To whom it may concern; blah, blah, yadda, yadda. I am writing in regards to your posting for the position of patient transfers here at the local hospital, by which I am aware I am to move critically ill patients, equipment and corpses to their assigned places throughout the hospital, such as the intensive care unit and the morgue. I feel I am qualified for this position because: each dawn I am reminded of my intense internal wound, and I long for the day when they take me away to the morgue.
I hope you will consider me in this position as I feel I have much experience as a critically unwell, soon to be corpse, who belongs to the existential ennui under which we shall all one day be buried. I am aware there is only the gaping earth which hungers for our flesh, and the wolfish winds who cry for our ashes. To this I say, let them howl and growl, and allow me to be their attendant!
Your qualified reaper(ess).