Hemlock (Truth#1)

I found in you, ephemeral but indelible, this bruise
purple as a twilight sky before the thunder,
where black around the eyes, as charcoal,
accompanying a crimson smear,
your cheek was stained by the memory of my presence.

Each day I arrived to see you sleeping,
bandaged, scarred, and profane, the words
never came, the sentences were anesthetized.

Your disdain grew like a tumour.
Inside needless cells,
carrying comets towards
hell.

The first truth was as bitter
as hemlock in the trial of Socrates.

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under Poem, poetry, travel, Truth, Uncategorized, writing

Uprooted

​Moth breath over Phalaenopsis,

the sway & swell of city sounds,

In the clay pot, broken, 

but never penetrated;

fastidious flowers, 

desiring winter on a bed of cedar,

stay this way, in virginal foreboding.

8 Seasons pass..

nothing lasts.

that which I called home,

that which I called love.

Fertilizes 

New hope

New eyes,

New bed.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poem, poetry, travel, writing

Endless Maze

Knowing you is continuing to do pirouettes with two broken legs without feeling the pain and even after the music has stopped; it’s flying in circles with no purpose, with the fall leaves and not feeling nauseous, lost or dizzy; it’s starting a new painting every day, using the same colors, drawing your portrait for the millionth time and still being amazed by this original work of art.

Loving you makes me feel like an innocent, pure, dreaming child, like a cherry blossom bud that already spreads such a deep and unique perfume, like a newborn butterfly that uses its last strength and broken wings to knock on heaven’s door.

You said to me that being with me is like walking through an endless maze every day. I will reply to you that discovering you is like traveling from the sky to earth disguised as a snowflake, falling slowly without being afraid to melt because if I melt you will melt with me and we will be just one, one happy little drop full of desire, peace and love, forever frozen on the stairs of paradise.

written by my love, Mada Rose

3 Comments

Filed under Dedication, Love, poetry, travel, Uncategorized, writing

Perpetual

When I say I don’t know how I could have made it through this without you,

its not a declaration of incompetence or weakness,  it’s a feeling of gratitude.

Of course I am capable, a woman can choose to stand alone.

Its not dependency, need, or loneliness.

I don’t require a manual on how to be strong enough to do this on my own.

What this is, is a wolf in woman’s skin, tearing at her throat to let you in.

If you prefer winter,

go on and forsake

the summer.

The sun that rises also drowns,

in grey horizon.

This warmth of breath,

might just as well smother.

Elements in our bodies,

deplete desire,

for fire.

You with blade,

chip away at ice,

to make something

recognizable,

so that others may say,

It bears striking resemblance

to something real,

attend a festival of ice,

In a bid to feel;

The morning arms that reached for you,

The morning smile that greeted you,

The morning lips which sought in you,

something perpetual.

Leave a comment

Filed under Emotions, Poem, poetry, travel, writing

Mad girls love

I dreamt you up inside my head as Sylvia said and you bewitched me just the same, and

then the world dropped dead, and a bird fell from the sky.

I wanted to kiss you, but I found an urn, filled with the ashes of all our burned hope,

stricken by a terror & vitality greater than my ability to contain it,

I swore I’d hold it as a memorial to the love I would never know.

At 21 my therapist told me that real love for me would likely be impossible,

her words, like a curse haunted my existence.

Who gave her such right? To predict my heart’s abilities based on the fickle readings of a

mercurial mind, as elusive and hard to pin down as a butterfly..

That night I rode out to the prairies, surrounded by marshes and countless miles of isolated nature, where I drank as much alcohol as I could and turned on the carbon monoxide, hoping to forget love as it seemed an invention made solely for torturing the psyches of those whose hearts were wild and wide as the prairie sky, too much for any one body to hold, or any one mind to occupy.

It had to be annihilated.

It survived in spite of the poison. In spite of the toxins,

in spite of the way you withdrew from me that day.

I would find a way to outlive it I told you, I’d be inhuman if I had to, but I’d endure this life of lovelessness.

Then I woke up from a very bad dream, and I was in that place known as the afterlife. People think I still exist here. But I died in the café, where you asked me if I wanted you.

I became 3 years old again. My mom was holding my small hand, she took me on a bus ride, and I carried a small bag filled with all my worldly belongings, (everything that ever mattered in my three year old world,) but when we departed, to my horror, my bag was gone, I forgot it on the bus, and it was never to be found again.

When you asked if I might have you, I felt this way, so small and afraid, thinking I lost my world.

I learned to exist so long without it.

When you sat there in the café, with stars in your eyes, It’s like you were this simple, uncomplicated, child with pure virgin eyes, asking me if I wanted the world back again, only the way you asked it was so humble, and you put this strange accentuation at the end of your sentence, as if it were a question.

This antithetical statement “you will love, in spite of it.”

“You will live for the first time in your life, you will defy modern medicine. You will feel true elation, true joy as it was meant to be felt.”

In my bag there were books in which to colour, and girly things, that’s what I recall. And when you came you brought these to me again. You painted my eyes and gave me perfume, you surrounded me with beauty and endless sweetness.

I became 3 again, and the ladies on the bus who seemed so old to me then, remarked “what an adorable child, she has such deep, dark eyes,” and I hid shyly away from their gaze.

When you offered me a new life, in that simple yet amazing way, that is so you, I cried, and I covered my eyes with sunglasses, but you told me, I didn’t have to hide anymore, then you came home with me, where you “sung me moonstruck, and kissed me quite insane, “ and somehow in the most natural & effortless way, you rearranged the constellations.

2 Comments

Filed under Beauty, Bird, Butterfly, Confessional, dreams, Poem, poetry, travel, writing

Butterfly 

​How another soul slips out from the cocoon, and blooms into a fleshy body of brilliance. We know the butterfly won’t linger always, perhaps this is what makes her beauty so sweet, is that she comes in full glory, with variance of colour and softness, sweetness and ecstacy, beyond what any constellation can inspire. You have waited a lifetime to touch her, and then she flutters away as suddenly as she arrived, leaving with you a feeling of completeness, fullness which satiates what seemed to be an eternity of hunger.You think she must have always been there in a state of metamorphosis, waiting for you to catch her, and you sigh a deep sigh of relief, which feels akin to flying.The ache inside you where she lives, where she grew into what she is.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Reflections on Nursing 

 

You are like me, it’s how you’re supposed to be, so smile and be free says the bird in her, to the cage in me, creaking silver rusted memories. Abduct and adduct arms fast like wings, to fly on out of this place. Your mind is without limit, flapping like a fish on earth inside your body, and as such your spirit laughs in the face of this absolute powerlessness, the absurdity of a weakened system, which fails to reflect the stirrings of a child within, who knows eternal strength, uplifting. Infantile and so, deemed useless, without the ability to prove oneself worthy. Yesterday centennial celebrations, in a society who is not keen on decay. “I’m lonely,” lady of Italy, who spits out the soup in distaste as I spoon feed her lies, in an attempt to comfort her, silence her, in the kitchen, where they gather our incompetence’s, small checks in boxes indicating our failure to thrive. She says she is lonely, this is the pathos of the human plight, and I without ability to heal, provide the most basic of human needs, company, and a spoon, where her hand has failed to hold, and her mouth refuses to open save for spitting obscenities, which amuse me. Hot blooded Italian from the old country. Her family come to visit, and her granddaughter gives me the once over, a power dyke, and me in white, all white, as though I were pure.

Leave a comment

Filed under Aging, Alone, Loneliness, Loss, Malady, Medical, Memory, Mortality, Nursing, Pain, Poem, poetry, travel, writing

Reversal

Where once dreams,
death of dreams, alongside dreamer
Where once pulse, now erratic rhythm,
Rhythm who wakes me from sleep, to sea of salt from fault
In amygdala.
Where once stars over café in Paris,
now carnage in mind is blacker than the sky
Van Gogh once painted.
I know the tumult of unsteady
sinking ship, incapable of relation.
the heart dissolving where once was song,
the heavy fall of silence and uncertainty.
Catching the sky from rain of pink clouds reversal,
cupped hands empty of all colour, fluidity, and purpose.

1 Comment

Filed under poetry, travel, writing

the ghosts of the one’s who were wanted

You see all the things I am, see this radiant image glowing, I want to burn my wings slowly in the sun, become earthbound, trip over a stone and fall in the water, cut myself on my own reflection, I want these silver scars, don’t want to tell you how the shine of them, carried me through the darkest moments, but you came to me in a dream, so it seems we were fated to believe the unimaginable. You don’t want to see me sad, like it’s your new occupation to make me smile. You say I should sleep, should eat well, should care about myself. I feel I want to, I know these are words of kindness, not like before, not leashes, or latches fastened. If ever I wanted a leash, it would be a way to the moon again, before I burned out the belief of so many good days, days when the potential was in me. I would take it, take that gasoline, take back the pleural inhalation. Evoke a strength, envision a way to unlatch the fingers which interlocked, the one’s that made time stop. The smash of a glass, the way human’s hands can become as savage as beasts, tiger claws, and poison eyes, snake venom love, the kind that dissolves you, and leaves you paralyzed. I have smoked the biggest crystal, lit it up, watched the ghosts of the one’s who were wanted, hurting to be touched, unable to even sense it.

4 Comments

Filed under Confessional, poetry, travel, Uncategorized, writing

the way the sun betrays

5a.m broken inner clock, the way time stops you dead in the night, and feeds you the light of the morning, but it’s a force feeding session, and in your deepest depression, you lost your appetite. Hurting yourself was a way to control the pain. I understand that. I did that too. It’s like being immortal, only to be told you will die. You think it’s a lie, they all must lie. When the one’s who were meant to protect you have all hurt you, you lose the desire to be protected. Someone comes along and says they love you as much as a flower in fall, that forgot that summer ended, that kept growing in spite of the cold. They tell you they will always protect you, and you think of the way chlorophyll fades, the way the sun betrays.

2 Comments

Filed under Confessional, poetry, travel, Uncategorized, writing

Everest

I need to hold you, need to be held, then you empty out like a dark cloud, and the sky is always falling on our dreams. It’s falling on our dreams, as it bleeds into the streets, crowds with surgical vision, cut an incision between us. I can’t feel anything, must be the anesthetic, maybe I am pathetic for wanting, for needing anything, but it isn’t that, it’s the way your arm is held back in the past, by someone who fed your need to be conquered. Now you’re like Everest, climbed and forgotten, a peak, a climax, that lasts only in photographs, long ago burned.

This poem should have ended where it began…

“I need to hold you.”

2 Comments

Filed under Confessional, poetry, travel, Uncategorized, writing

Telos

My hands are sad, they speak deep between the lonely crease of love and loss. My eyes are empty, close blankly, refuse to see light and dark, my eyes say these lacrimal glands need to empty out, empty out the countless drops that make up the oceans, leading toward this lonely shore, far from what I’ve come to feel familiar, arms around my body, that say, they love me, arms that say they cannot wait to embrace me, do not speak myths, only articulate truths in sinew, flesh without limit, as though at anytime these arms could learn the way of flight, should I need them, to travel outwards past the clasp of the one who orchestrates a symphony of birdsong, loon cries, geese departing cold Northern shores. Say we are the same in our birdness, that the stars shine with the vigour of burning Gods and Goddesses, for the sole sake of making our dreams essential, or imparting hope that burns eternal. The cup says I am empty, it is mine, I know this because my hand communicates the need to fill it, fill my hand with the glass, fill the glass with water, the water craves my mouth, my mouth craves the water, in this craving, we belong together, are essential elements directed to the common goal of fulfilment. I am a filament, a wick of candlestick, fire is my companion, and the heart a dark organ, that chooses this restless passion to burn. My fingers miss being entwined, I need another hand to fit like a piece of missing puzzle, made of bone that wants to grow, instead I am cramped in my own loneliness. Books line shelves, unread, who say they feel neglected, my eyes visit them, briefly, my mouth utters their contents, sentences fall like strands of hair, in tattered snippets, resembling a person, who wears a braid, and plays a tug of war with words, which never say their true meaning. The clock says follow my hands, I am in circadian alignment, a master of flight. Time says he is angry, a father who died before I knew his eyes were mine, a lover who awaited my touch. This interval in itself resents me when I dress, when I rush out the door, in my hurried frenzy. My legs say stay, my hips pull them back into bed, like reins, my eyes close, and I remember to dream, I see you then, dreaming me, dreaming my veins into rhythm, my nerves into a fevered impulse, butterflies dance down my spine, flickering like candles in the dark, a hot breath of recognition lands on on my neck, from behind. Outside in the garden a rose grows thornless, in consideration of your delicate beauty.

2 Comments

Filed under Poem, poetry, travel, writing

song of the stars

Veins of earth roots swallow the ache of this buried heart, which never tires of thirsting. Like a small starfish, it rises up, with a thousand different arms, waiting to hold you. If I lose the feeling of your delicate body to the vagaries of time and space, I will erase who I am, and come to you, newly gilded, pick thorns from the places where I wandered without you, name each wound and scar, as the time before I discovered immortality, catch you in my fingers, my mouth, my hair, taste the salt of your loneliness as my own, and when the song of the stars, a magical music made for dreamers, illuminates the earth with the light of a butterfly’s beauty, I will watch her wings form, and ride on the dawn of a night owl, carrying hope like a crystal toward the pupil of your infinite eyes.

Leave a comment

Filed under Music, Poem, poetry, travel, Uncategorized, writing

the ticket soulward

Blackbirds line the plexiglass of the perimeter down Attikus, a bounding pulse, riding through my chest, like an untamed mare, striving for ventricular leap; the streets lie empty as a wrist at the end of a long kiss, and leave me like this και πάλι ένα μαύρο πουλί, landing in the black night, among the cypress trees, calling, swooping, downward, toward the slopes of green, leading to Kiffisia, where the splendor of radiant seasons, throbs like a thousand hearts under one temple, ready to open, ready to thrust away the grey of winter, replace with this, your soft hand, virgin of labor, likened to the flush of sunset that covers the sky in a shy smile, forges the earth to be still, while the cataclysm in my body, swallowed by the Aegean, washes up through the years in the water garden, where her gaze, the gaze of heaven, her lips, forming constellations, which surpass the beauty of a thousand stars when she smiles, her eyes, a deep reflection which sees beyond my waking vision, path of petals, sweet and vernal, where she counts in anxious expectation the moment of our merging, merging beyond blood, beyond time, where trains pass like veins, towards the heart of eternity, you did not board, you did not purchase the ticket soulward, and I thank you for this, in a murmured Latin tongue, which you reject like love.

3 Comments

Filed under Poem, poetry, travel, Uncategorized, writing

The burned out house we inhabit

In the vacant house,

charred wainscot

a flash of memory

captured as a photograph,

where I come to greet her in the foyer,

she keeps that smile,

until my hand reaches to caress,

her face as wax melts,

her smile drips

over the windowpane,

forming stalagmites,

blistered fingers, burned out heart,

her hand emerges from the

ashes,

“holding my cindery, non-existent,
radiant flesh. Incandescent.”

in absence of identity,

personal keepsakes,

years of collecting ourselves,

kept in boxes, or

displayed on shelves,

soot where our souls once burned

with the vigor of starlight,

caught between rocks,

we push together,

one breath, hot enough to burn

the braid of us,

the knot tied from

infancy to

senility,

somewhere, on the chart

of our development,

we failed our goals;

trust was replaced with mistrust,

autonomy with doubt,

identity with confusion,

intimacy with isolation,

and productivity with stagnation.

We were left with these bodies,

whose faces are as familiar as strangers,

jagged teeth, fading ivory,

loss of skin’s elasticity,

hollowed eyes,

lacking glimmer & glitter,

we decorate our souls,

when we can no longer attend the

celebration of who we are,

but as we fade far,

know that the soul never forgets

it’s purpose,

we came born with a song

and a reason to sing it,

who among us can content herself

with a furled feather,

clutching a long sleep,

if we never care to dream

or awaken?

My wishes blown out,

one final sparkler

lights up the dark room

like a fiery organ,

I multiply each breath,

resuscitating this smothered heart.

Little girls again, we run together,

past rolling brooks, leading to

the water’s edge,

here we walk back,

retracing ashen steps,

I pour lava into the places

where we failed to grow,

forming from ebony pitch,

a shiny onyx tear,

we walk the path of tears,

and reach the ocean

of our separation,

in hope of growth,

tossing these in the salt water

and brine of

rejected kisses,

cold arms,

stern faces,

meter sticks,

belts,

brutality,

and

broken hearts,

we come back none the better,

none the wiser,

the same fleck of

green,

same dark sense of loss,

covers the forest in moss.

 

But I love her,

as I love the

earliest memories

I have,

the ones where hope

thrived in small

corners and

tables were set,

by our imagination,

with no real food,

no real sustenance,

nothing to nourish us,

no hydration,

but the one seed

planted,

was enough to

assuage our thirst,

to restore

the air again,

to allow for flight,

and we rose without thought

or fear of falling.

2 Comments

Filed under Dedication, Poem, poetry, travel, Uncategorized, writing

Smiles like Sunscreen

So what if we did away with persona?

What if we shed our lambskin for wolfish fur, and a set

of fangs, bearing sharp our desire for blood, deep meaty flesh,

bones, calcium, and enamel?

What if she said “I want you on my mantle,”

a porcelain doll, where you sit collecting dust,

until she decides to brush you off and make you useful?

What if every day she stared in your eyes, and replaced those

sweet lies with a bitter, unpalatable truth?

 

What if she was cold and uncouth and her words caused

you to shatter, but she just stood in laughter,

mocking your eye as it rolled across the parquet floor,

and when she was done breaking you into pieces,

she put you back together again, buttoned you up,

told you to mind you don’t catch a cold,

kissed you warmly on the cheek, and then stopped speaking

to you again.

 

In her you might see the softened blush of redolence,

moments of passion, intermingled with tenderness,

only to end in incomprehensible violence.

But, what if, by meeting we didn’t mind the first impression,

and the pink clouds of infatuation were replaced by grey,

ominous nebula?

What if she said, “I take an enema because I am so

tense and backed up, that my body refuses to expel

it’s own toxic waste?”

What if she said, ‘I can’t let go, I never climax, because

I need to stay in control?”

What if she told you “don’t speak,

don’t move, don’t touch anything, stay very still, like unseen

particles, because I need for you to cease existing at the hour

when my anxiety is most high, which is at night, when

I think I might die?”

 

If she sat with you over coffee and told you of every

thing imperfect about her, of all her shortcomings,

and solidified reasons for being alone,

then what if she took you home,

and you knew that she wouldn’t touch you,

wouldn’t want you near her, couldn’t bear

the sound of your breath beside her in the bed,

what if she told you these things instead of

pretending to be kind, sweet, compassionate,

the one?

 

What if the sun came with a warning label?

“Might cause cancer, but may also cause flowers to bloom.”

Would we still want to wake up to the daylight?

But we would and we do, we slather ourselves

in u.v protecting cream and admire the beams

as they cut across our field of dreams,

because truth is, we’d rather have flowers

than tumours, so we ignore the signs,

failing kidneys, inability to breathe,

inability to grieve, due to the painted on smiles

we wear like sunscreen.

5 Comments

Filed under Cancer, Poem, poetry, Relationships, Repressed, travel, Uncategorized, writing

Sad light box

Look inside, all the sun is contained in this box.

Open the lid, let it out, the song changes for each season, a musical wind up game, turn the handle, slowly unraveling melodies. When this opens, who determines what flies out? Pandora pandora, a bat, a bird, a rose blossoming, a frost flower, a hurricane? They say the mind creates it’s own world, and in the box of these thoughts, I hold the night sky, out among the stars, one firebird rises, the rest of the galaxies cry molten tears of obsidian. I turn the handle and your image rises above me in holographic beauty, you float down above me, your lips touching my lips, your eyes like small flames from candles that the dark can never extinguish.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poem, poetry, travel, writing

Dissolution

Though the ocean may be beautiful, it’s tumultuous, unpredictable.
When you pull from sand, the shell of me, I sense you hear
my heartbeat on sonar blips, from far away ships tracking dolphins,
but as I follow the cry under darkest depths, surfacing is empty,
empty, as a photograph of a woman’s feet on the shore,
taken by another woman,
a sinking feeling, as she walks a path,
where no trace of me exists, the sun is pointless, a burning orb
of agitation.

Sleep is futile for the sterile woman, holding a novel, whose
characters were invented on star dreams, dreams of death.
A few words spoken between strangers can mean more than
a decade of silence between the beloved.

Each stranger represents a new world,
her face is a new dream envisioned;
I tell her love is my religion,
that our discovery of eachother was like
the birth of us, and our meeting
will be the baptism.

The things I don’t speak, are truths caught on a hook,
by a small child, with the sunset rising in her eyes;
that the poet is a thief and a sailor,
that the one you most want to attract,
is the one you toss back.

Toss me back, full-bodied, and I become the siren.
I master the ability to swim, my legs become fins,
I am the mermaid others swear
they have seen, I swim downstream,
far from your dreams,
and arrive at a rock on an island.

Until the tide returns,
I am nothing.
You are the tide,
always rushing through me.
I was never able to stand still,
my feet next to your feet,
an image burned in the mind,
like tree sap tears,
the crystalized lachrymose
on a fiery spoon,
of black
dissolution.

2 Comments

Filed under Poem, poetry, travel, writing

Scar

Every time you kiss me, you leave a scar on my mouth, I cannot articulate the way I hurt, because the scar is invisible and you only see the smile.

Your pleasure is my pain.
Your joy, my agony.

You came for the festival,
I’m here for the funeral.

Close your eyes,
let me cry.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poem, poetry, travel, writing

Morning frost

Tracing prints of you, outlines in snow, the depression of an angel centered under pine tree, the snow art made by your body, hopeful of flying. Red sirens, i.v lines, injection of Demerol, the cup in your hand is my hand, shaking, weak from the hunt of keeping up.

Don’t drink water, don’t hydrate, morning rushes in like pin needles around a limb, poorly vascularized. Ice crystals like small white veins, crawling on the surface of glass, branch out in an arterial tree, dangling dorsally, from your deep roots, where I wait to be received.

abduction adduction, abduction adduction.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poem, poetry, travel, writing

Gunpowder girl

Leaden you are, sulphuric, charcoal- eyed,  mandibula chewing on curiosity, facts & figures. Small child you are, thin arms dangling, doe-struck. Saltpeter, potassium, elements equating to lethal. I am a torso cut out, χωρίς κεφάλι, Winged Victory of Samothrace, red target centered on heart, positioned sagittally.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poem, poetry, travel, writing

The Resurrection

I need time, time to know you, because time is sacred, sacred as the sun which shines behind you through the window, lighting up your dark eyes, so that the retina of all my need is fulfilled through your smile. I study the release of hormones, in the endocrine system, to their receptor sites, and think of how the grey matter of a spinal section from the thoracolumbar region, causes my heart to race, my pupils to dilate, my breath to quicken through the synapse of cholinergic to adrenergic cells, and how this release is then tempered parasympathetically, a collaboration of body systems combine, to bring me a sense of attraction, a chemical stimulation, and then the sudden release of oxytocin, when you say you wish to hold me, say you wish to hold me, though you may not say these words so precisely, and a calm sense of the world being right, for the first time in forever, makes me believe that hope is not wasted, on two uncaged birds, who have all the sky as their own, to fly wing to wing, then tell me this silence was nothing, it was only a small abyss, meant to be crossed, on our way to each other, and I will take the ache of past hurts, past trauma, and make the music a bird longs to sing, deep within myself, my own crushed cadence will be synchronous with beauty, with laughter, and the forgetting of pain. In a place so rare and mystical, an innocent space, where we meet, reaching joy and discovery, timeless and eternal, like a magnolia tree, or my desire to make you blossom, incarnate, reincarnate, bud, bud off, spindle fiber, leaf, vein, cyclic season, protein chain, long, complex, regeneration, cell death, recovery, nourishment, deep and enduring, oblivious of clock and counter, moon rise, sun set, encounter with God, a new religion, a ritual in time of repetition, a broken pattern, a bad habit dying, a new cycle being born. Goddess and Gaia, wolf and messiah, blood, blood orange, the way she drank slowly in the midday heat, and when I spoke her mind was far away, so far away, a grove of new oranges grew in place of the empty cup she held, and when that colourful bird peered from it’s nest, I remarked, how exotic it was, no place on earth should be worthy of a bird with such colour! The green, aquamarine, crystalline water, was as clear and lucid as the dream as it lay dying, while we walked together through emptiness, footprints in sand, lateral was my hand to hers, I should have seen, it was not your hand, your smile, your dimple of elation in the bleakest moments of longing, that made me want to die and come back to life again, a new person, a free person, without the anchor of the Aegean. Cycle, rhythm, zodiac, cyclic, Cycladic, but her heart was Ionian, deep and cold, as the coldest sea in the world, and when Neruda said he wanted to do with you what the spring did to the cherry blossoms, it was my thought he echoed, decades ago, when you were being born for the first time, in an immortal country, where loneliness ate through hunger, and I as a small child, walked along the Pacific coast, contemplating regrowth, through the arms of starfish.

2 Comments

Filed under Adventure, Alone, Beauty, Bird, Birth, creative, Dedication, Distance, dreams, Eternity, Greece, Greek, Grief, Immortal, Infatuation, inspirational, Journey, Loneliness, Longing, Loss, Love, Medical, Memory, Past, Poem, poetry, Relationships, Science, Seasons, Silence, Soul, Time, travel, Uncategorized, writing

Flowers Wilt on the Fringe of the Crowd

Pick me for the dance, this is your last chance, soon the music dies.

A bouquet is thrown toward a roaring crowd of lonely people,

I am you, the other half of a twilight sky,

the part where the sun goes to cry.

Out on the fringe, where time gets singed,

as all those paralyzed moments of waiting

fade like wilted flowers.

 

Your hand, my hand, a memory and a dream intertwined.

Somewhere in another life we are together, perhaps a

parallel world exists, a place where all those petals picked

float down, landing in the hands of those who never

knew they were wanted.

She loved me,

she loved me not.

 

She did not want love at all,

only to be left alone in a glass vase

of unbreakable crystal.

 

Life breaks those who are fragile,

they fall from hands like stems

that smash on marble,

spilling the wine of potential.

 

You could spend your whole life sipping,

and never fully tasting,

or swallow it all in one shot and be done,

say all I needed has entered my bloodstream,

been detoxified through this one vein,

under pierced skin,

hard against the pulse of desire,

where this steady hand,

holds an empty syringe.

 

Birds refuse to fly in dark skies.

Sometimes the wind carries them

wing by wing,

as they balance against the storm,

a pair of blackbirds, separate from the

entire flock,

I watch them soar,

and think of us,

together,

swaying under the stars.

4 Comments

Filed under Dark Romanticism, Dedication, Depression, Desire, Distance, dreams, Longing, Loss, Pain, Poem, poetry, travel, Uncategorized, writing

Stalemate

I don’t understand chess, I never learned it, but I do get that there are Queens and Kings and pawns, and I understand the concept of a stalemate. I think all my past relationships ended that way. “I can’t make any moves, seems like a dead-end here, you copy?” “Over and out I read you, no moves to be made, all possible moves cancelled out.” It’s like being on a two-way radio playing chess. How the hell did this happen? Fuck my life as they say. I’ve never had luck with women and I never had a real desire to learn chess. To me it seems like something old people do, like golf, golf, chess, and ballroom dancing. If I ever get that stale mate, check me off the board. I’d rather not continue, I’d rather find myself at the end with no more moves left to make and a pocket full of memories of how things used to be fun, and I’ll take those and sit in the sun with a drink and a book, and stare at hot young Greek girl’s asses by the beach in Mykonos, no wait that’s something my ex girlfriend did when I was with her in the sun on a Greek island. She told me quite frankly, as we watched a young woman walking on the beach. “she has a nice ass,” and I thought this girl sure doesn’t hold back her thoughts, but she was right, I suppose, only those things never much mattered to me, maybe when I’m really old I’ll miss being young enough to imagine waking up in a spoon position with some Greek girl’s tight ass against my pelvis, but if she’s one of those carefree bitches, I’ll feel worse rather than better, and if she’s got too much of a tortured mind to have fun, then I’ll be equally tormented, so who cares about her ass, it’s only good to look at and imagine something better. But I got her back later at the café that evening, a lovely waitress came out to serve our coffee, and as she walked away I declared “wow, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a woman so hot in my whole damn life, what a Goddess!” And my ex just looked at me and said “thanks a lot.” I aim to please I guess, but then you know, we hit that place of no going forward and no going back, and as I reflect, there was never anything for us to go forward to together, and never a reason for me to go back, except maybe to sit in the sun, on a gorgeous Greek island, and enjoy the view.

10 Comments

Filed under Aegean, Alone, Break Ups, Challenge, Cleansed, Comedy, Conversation, creative, Greece, Greek, Humour, Lesbian, Loneliness, Loss, Memory, Message, Poem, poetry, Prose, Relationships, travel, writing

Feeling less alone, (on the nature of depression and butterflies)

Today I learned that the deep depression on the inner center of a human skull resembles a butterfly. Peering within, it’s as though at some time, this transitory beauty was meant to forever imprint upon us the delicate nature of a fleeting journey. Only if the skull is cremated or destroyed, does the memory of that gentle flower-seeker disappear. Within the hemisphere, the pituitary signaler of hormones, transmits chemicals to her butterfly mate, who lives innate in our throats, where the ability to speak, from time maternal, depends upon the migration of the one butterfly, straying south, and the other staying north, for without their separation, the vital energy it takes to live would cease. Such sacrificial love in nature creates brilliancy, but what’s more, it is the lack of electrical current that defines depression, as inhibitory. If this myopic view excludes further truth, it may one day be discovered that the real origin of our cranial pain, and mental suffering are related to this separation, to this lack of excitation within the neuronal center. It’s not the fact that there is a lack of stimulation, it is instead a lack of attention, a lack of response. “Soak me in serotonin, and watch me cry,” sings the butterfly. “No,” cries the other butterfly, “you are mistaken, I am that shadow, existing within the grey area, where the cloud formation never dissipates, do not think I can dissolve into elation. I journeyed once, more than a day, which in my time was forever, and I knew feeling and taste as vividly as each step one takes. Although I live in the echo from phonemes breaking, my real truth lies in the upper regions, where words form in synaptic response to thought, dark, enduring thought, which keeps my soul from dying, much like your heart beat keeps your body from flying. Through resonance and dissonance I am cocooned inside of you, always.”

The nurse sits with the patient as they discuss the power of non-verbal communication, ie; touch. “When you hold my hand,” she tells her, “I know you are there, it’s like a flower growing in my spine, I can feel it, I can sense it growing there, and though I know it will die once you let go, it helps me to feel less alone, it’s like a thousand astrocytes lighting up the dark sky inside of me.”

2 Comments

Filed under Borderline, Butterfly, Conversation, creative, Death, Depression, Distance, Drowning, Identity, inspirational, Loneliness, Longing, Loss, Love, Medical, Memory, Message, Mortality, Nostalgia, Pain, Poem, poetry, Relationships, Science, Self, Shadow, Sorrow, Soul, travel, Uncategorized, writing

On reading the diary of Virginia Woolf

A small bird flies into the pupil of her eyes, from where it begins to rise, as her tears fall. The wooded path, down which she travels, on her late night rambles, where the colour of the deer match the brambles. It rises there in green light,flooding through thick curtain, collapsing, wingspent on the forest floor, where it comes to rest in the thicket evermore.

Yesterday she was gold plated, gold is not meant to crack in thin line, where falsity falls from fingers, grasping at quill, until this sentence takes flight, by a height of such altitude, paving way for a depth of demise. The bird in her eyes does not rise any more, will not gather in tangled domesticity, will not show signs of sanity, i.e, does not behave obediently.

She shines the silver carefully, and minds the manner of her tongue, lest it be kindling for flame, as smoky sentences rise from pages, where she leaves behind traces of truth, until the waves open the sea, swallowing her heavily under. Outwards and inwards, with no warning of the incoherent tide within her mind.

New dress replaces old, she says she inhabits it for 10 and 11p, at the table forlornly, she scribbles down her reality, what to me can only be a memory, preceding an emotional Holocaust, as the gas chamber glare of her vacant stare, goes unbroken for a century.

4 Comments

Filed under Feminist, inspirational, Journey, Lesbian, Life, Love, Memory, Poem, poetry, Suicide, travel, Virginia Woolf, writing

Rigor mortis

It’s funny when he sees me, he thinks I need saving, because he sees only the most tortured parts under the microscope, “sorry you hear voices, I hear them too, the voice is audible, sounds like something sinister, perhaps you might think of praying,” is what his slowly sinking gaze speaks inaudibly, and when the doctor asks, “has anyone here ever seen a cadaver?” Not one of the nursing students answers, and he, the only man with a credible soul utters, “yes,” all eyes are on him, all the freshly pricked virgin ears, point in cochlear attention. yada, yada, “I once knew a man who was a professor, who had access to a morgue,” the topic is rigor mortis, stiff corpses, as I sip my morning coffee, and take a bite out of my raisin tea biscuit, alone in the back of the classroom, because I came late, and knee boy took my seat. I mutter under soft tones as all in the class attempt to lift the heavy air with their superficial speak, and the doctor looks at me, walks closer, asks me to repeat my words, but no one is listening, or so I think, when I say, “a baby, I saw a dead baby,” -“oh what did it look like?”-” It was limp, it’s arms and legs dangled.” He walks away speechless, then the boy who dreams of blowing Adam in eden, whilst on his knees, writhing w/ a painful patella, turns my way, holds his gaze, and repeats that same sunken look of sympathy, as inside I smirk apathetically. No one dares to ask, choosing instead to stay silent, yet I hear their thoughts float through the air like disembodied voices, voices without flesh, stiff voices with rigor mortis tongues. If they’d have asked, I’d have told them, I felt nothing. I felt nothing, I saw flesh, in the places where her infancy bled through purple epidermis, and without asking, I knew why, why the paramedics kept her for over an hour in the ambulance, when she had already succumbed to  “primary flaccidity” to save a young mother from the eminent shock that she was soon to feel, as PTSD leaked through her veins, like ink from squid, a thousand miles below sea level, where no voice could ever be heard.

There once was a cross-bridge, where thirty myosin heads could be seen bobbing on the surface of the river below, instead of help, they were screaming, “ATP, ATP, glycogen depleted.” There has been a deterioration of the sarcoplasmic reticulum.

2 Comments

Filed under Death, Memory, Poem, poetry, Science, travel, Uncategorized, writing

Impermanence

Before the glass shattered, it was already broken they say, true to the Zen principle of impermanence. I think of the day I first emerged from the taxi, taking your glass hand in mine, feeling the fragility of every molecule of crystal flowing in the summer light between our glass bodies as we held eachother. I recall the glass city, yet to be explored, shimmering with the beauty of ancient temples, mineral by mineral. I pay glass money to the mosaic man, whose eyes reflect in green visions from a childhood, still seen, on the surface of sand, surrounding the Pacific Ocean, where I shattered into sunlight, collecting broken bottles, which the water shaped to resemble lost gems of treasure. Where has that child gone, her body a mere memory held in cracked neurons, sustained there between the darkness and the stars? I am that bottle, I am that eye, fixated in green brilliance, over the radiance of these shattered encounters, from zygote grin to wrinkled skin. That day on the street, when the glass savior with blot on spoon, dissolving into liquid, injecting through syringe into glass vein through semen, into ovum, the opium of my fluid existence. I hear chimes ring as the wind smashes them against the window, echoing across this wild , wintry country, the songs he sang before my time of fiery emergence. I am that bottle, always accompanying me, in the broken luminescence between light and shadow. I tread carefully amid two contradicting forces, the one with glass breasts and the one with glass phallus, anima and animus, one jagged splinter, ever forging toward the mercurial, toward the mesenchyme of osteoblast and hyaline, ever regenerating new bones, new placenta, new spearhead toward multicellular matrix fold of glass rose, glass wine, glass romance, capable of falling from the balcony where my glassy infatuation lies, already a hazard to the lovers who pass by barefoot and careless tongued. Your countenance glistens, not with the warmth of orbital, but that of ice, incapable of deliquescing. Shatter me a million times, I am already broken, broken like a blister on the lips, where we kiss away the cancerous rays of ultraviolence. Don’t tell me the circle of vibrational circumference is always gravitating further away, because if you say this, we might need to stay, held down by the force of the world, which is forever fated to break.

Leave a comment

Filed under Heroin, Identity, Illusion, Loss, Memory, Poem, poetry, Time, travel, Uncategorized, writing

Paradox

Nostalgiacytes in the diaphysis of my soul, in the places where your love left lacunae holes, comparable to the absent ache I anticipate from your touch. The barren trabeculae of what in me was once so solid, disintegrates, like a sugar cube into a hyposmotic cup. Come fill me up, the way a cell is filled by fluid before hemolysis. The way ions open channels through retinal expansion, that dilation of chromatic glare the moment you are there in my line of view. The sinew between us lights a fire in the axons of a bipolar wire, transmitting diabolic signals. What I mean to say is “I crave that which will destroy me,” for ultimately it is that which gives me life.

Leave a comment

Filed under Death, Life, Loneliness, Longing, Loss, Love, Medical, Poem, poetry, travel, writing

Deference

No baby, I don’t think it’s that you are incapable of being happy, I think you just have more receptor cells for sadness. The little molecules of joy float away from you. The reason it hurts is because your threshold is low, and you’ve built a tolerance for sadness.

1 Comment

Filed under Pain, Poem, poetry, Trauma, travel, Truth, writing

Memory’s Marrow

206, and yours were in the lower lumbar, I lie in the slumber of codependency, and when the nurse walks in on me, curled fetally near your rib cage, she assumes I’m your daughter, no use in bothering that it’s 4 a.m., as the old man in room 12b calls for more morphine. Without each other there’s the great depression, you’re the haploid cell in my gene expression, I’m like the repression of two faulty chromosomes along a y-axis, which really means nothing, except that I was the girl who risked death for you. You were the sweetness of tea where the drip of honey diffused viscously between warm thighs. Deeply is how I break in your arms, where they fused steel on epiphyseal lines. I ask God why I’m so easily fractured, and she says it must be love, love like warmth spilling out. They drew lines across your body, where the scalpel wrote poetry from your inability to keep normalcy. Faithfully we love, though the heart could mend or break us. Like natural selection, you ossified and died, as I went on to evolve beyond the collagenous glare of these scars. When the doctor sketched the image of your shattered spine, I thought of majestic butterflies lining the trunk of a tree, as the first harsh breeze of autumn tore them away from each other, and I felt some day, I’ll make my way back and pour my heart out in a cup and you will drink yourself sober, wake up without balding, without the wrinkles dissolving youth, pale skin in the morning, the sputum from toxic lungs, God knows I need a way out of this.

5 Comments

Filed under Cancer, Coffee & Tea, creative, Death, Depression, Memory, Mortality, Pain, Poem, poetry, travel, Uncategorized, writing

The Battlefield of Music

I am your song, bury me in the coffin of your guitar, then once you come to the end of the bar, strum me hard. Strum me through the streets of downtrodden, strum me where the spiritlands are, in cedar and bark, in the steel echo of heart, strum until your fingers bleed crimson, strum me slow, strum me imprisoned, then when you find yourself at the end of loving, strum me free. Strum me the wings of ravens, strum me eagles and vultures. hawks in all cultures, strum me Hispanic, strum me black, strum me exotic on islands where girls wear dresses made from leaves, strum me electric, amplify my soul, strum me hungry and full, with a handful of change and some tea for the tillerman, strum me like a busker who plays for his favourite shot of rye, strum me high baby, strum me high, then bring me down a key, like a Southern comfort melody, lay me on the grass slow and melodiously, in the oppressive summer heat, play me through all seasons, play me without reason like I’m going to die, because every song has a refrain, refrain from touching me, leave me alone, then let me vibrate in the carpal memory of your bones, where splinters and marrow record the solo pitch of my soul. Coda, codine, codeine, crave and despise every chord, but the one that takes you out of this world, honey that’s the one you gotta find, find it and hold it, cradle it from neck to navel, then strum it alive, strum it like neurons sparking through dark, let it resonate like a scream, like the death cry of a warrior on the battlefield of music.

6 Comments

Filed under Love, Music, Pain, Poem, poetry, travel, writing

Control, Alt, Delete

You are born in ethereal light, funereal flow through vessel of heart, where  room holds caskets, bassinets, tourniquets, places to sleep, to dream, to waken. On the day of your departure from veins, warmth of crimson, rush of celebration, permeates receptor cells, life the mournful fall, death the joyful rise, pulling coins from your eyes, toll for the boatman, an atheist bent on sinking, cargo of karmic, a vessicle of rebirth, bursting forth, dissolving the old self and its former memories, dreams, hopes, and procreation. Reversal of ego, the fluidity of self. They give you a name, a place, a face, a position between two poles, a selective offering of chromosomes, and then they take it all away, leave you as a blank slate, you the great author, illiterate, inarticulate, mouthing desires, forming fears. Before you get here you are complete, experience erases data-
control, alt delete.

8 Comments

Filed under creative, Death, Disenchantment, Displacement, Evolution, Identity, Illusion, Journey, Life, Loss, Mortality, Poem, poetry, Soul, Spirit, Time, travel, writing

Before the Abyss

Somewhere on a mountain in India, you were learning about the particles of sand in the rocks that expanded from the boulder of your aspirations. Speak nothing of the weight of it, small unrelated sibling of brown skin. Don’t carry the weight of the world, crossing continents, shifting from what we spoke of as a caste system which broke open and slowly became something of a mineralized memory, chiseled sharp as a surgeon’s instrument.

When I was ten years old I felt God enter my bed and lift me toward the sky. I may have at one time cried over the death of birds. Never once would I imagine an unborn soul’s karma would meet with mine to rise up into the white of discarded feathers, else pull those makeshift wings over her own small body and fly.

Truth drizzles from the tongue in crowded corridors, where from behind the girl without a circle flocks towards my side in tacit approval, smiling back lost decades, where among you all I would have been unrecognizable. Her and I are the nuclei of free radicals, I laugh at the open door for rebels to pass through, gaining entrance freely. I hear your own laughter echo back to me.

We all started with a dream. Today that dream dies. Today the scope of practice is spoken of, and the post trauma of seeing small children, like smashed eggs on the sidewalk, where the yolk of what we become gets burned beneath the sun. My heart, my heart lies lateral to my body. My soul, my soul, lies proximal to the sky. Skip a beat…

listen for the atrial flutter of a butterfly, inflating beyond measure, auscultating systolic pressure.

120 over 80 mercury, retro to distal, the parietal of my hand reaches through the ventral of the darkness, separating the opposing sides of a funnel cloud in utero, tapping on a stethoscope.

The eyes open as light floods the pupils, dilating variance, ascertaining vision, a flash of recognition, the first stranger we meet,

our first lover, the keeper of our primary impressions. When acceptance or rejection tattoos the future on our small dangling feet.

The first spanking or christening, followed by the first kiss,

Before the abyss, and after the abyss.

3 Comments

Filed under Butterfly, Canada, Canadian, Distance, Medical, Memory, Past, Poem, poetry, Science, Time, Trauma, travel, writing

Memories All Fade

At some point the sunset gets gold, gilded circle, arc of fire, burning liar! Telling time like the crime of the century. I am still that girl of twenty, staring at another girl across from me on the sofa, high as a kite on green. She asked me how old I was and when I answered she said she liked the sound of twenty, the way it rolled off her tongue was pleasing. My partner was thirty something. This girl had come to visit us, she was a few years younger than me and gay as a rainbow painted on a unicorn, and if I’d have known better, I would have kissed her. These are the things we think about as the years get plated in karats beyond 24k, and we have to wear shades to keep the rays from revealing the wrinkle of age. We stop apologizing. Hormones and a taut physique are soon wasted on promises we never keep. Looking back I never kept my virtue in tact, as a matter of fact I lost it to people far from those I desired out of fear of not measuring up. It seems I was fated to fail at pleasing myself, the queen of self-sabotage, true masochist, here she sits nearing her fourth decade and her thoughts get more obscene, she begins to ponder what it all means. I am no more or less pure or tainted by the choices I make with my body in spite of my heart. I’ve had it wrong all along. Now my body fails to live up to what my mind can only imagine, fearless feast of fantasy, and here my heart comes trailing behind like a heavy little tugboat, cargo of care. I want to let it sink, tear off the ropes that bind, splash down deep and let the waves take me anywhere, but a still wise voice says, you know better, you know from experience, never give up your soul like a fair trade deal, make it real, stop and feel, before all feeling fades into a silver coin of memory discarded like a fleeting wish. Next time you will kiss. You will kiss her in every currency  known on earth through every century in which humankind ever created money or some form of trade for energy, trade for service, you will exist without sun, sans lune, χωρίς φεγγάρι, χωρίς αστέρια, without anything to enlighten your dark dreams.

3 Comments

Filed under Poem, poetry, Sapphic, Sex, Sexuality, travel, writing

Shadow of a Bird

Bird from the blue, the lapis lazuli outside my window, flying in.
I catch the shadow of her wing
on the wind.
Prettier than a peacock, with a thousand eyes seeing through the dark and the light in me.
Bird who cries, how I hear her sad song, wishing I could fly to her, be a bird also, but two wounded birds make the most dark companions, so alas I wait in the light as she passes by in the shadows. I follow with my fingers the bark of trees, stare up at buildings too high to reach, crossing the same streets she passed through momentarily. Hatchling heart, mere sparrow I am, the wash of rain over pavement, the outline of a shell, where she once stood broken. Waiting by windows, deep through the night, for glimpses of her as she flies by. Tracing the map of constellations and migrations, willing the stars to align, for her to land in my hand, to reach my palm with her fingers of song. The world opens like a rusted cage, love fails even the bravest of us. Bird from the red, the crimson ache of a window pane beneath a paralyzed sunset, the ruby roar of these arms that soar in the empty silence of your absence. My soul is purple, yellow, jaundiced out and black on the surface, like a bruise. I push down on it, agitate the center where my words in stasis stain the flesh of our friendship.

1 Comment

Filed under Bird, Dedication, Poem, poetry, travel, writing

Inconsolable

I will remember when you say don’t forget. I will remember the motto on the license plates from Québec. I will remember the grinding sound of steel on tracks, the two young men who came in to serenade the crowd of Athenians on a winter day, as we rode out to Kifissia, their strong fingers strumming steel strings, the song they sang in Greek, the amused look on the faces of the passengers. I will remember the way you implored me to listen when I shut down into a catatonic state on the train heading back to Kypseli. I remember how we rushed back to your small apartment, the sound of the meltemi blowing hard against the canopy covering the balcony, as though the world was being torn away. I will remember laying close as you held me while I cried deep and inconsolably, knowing I’d be going back to the frozen nothingness of a vagrant existence in Canada. I will remember the seasons of time that passed as they bleed out and wash away again. The final image I hold is a negative of you standing on the terrace overlooking the Acropolis, you were as loved as anyone could be that day, and I was more sad than anyone could fathom.

 

1 Comment

Filed under Acropolis, Aegean, Alone, Athens, Canada, Memory, Poem, poetry, travel, writing

Canine

You enter others dreams, a sexy slip screen. When I close my eyes at night, I can hear you scream. You have entered into others without intending to. She tells me her dreams of you. You hold her tight from behind and squeeze the life out of her body, not so hard to do considering how small she is. I’m in love with a masculine mind trapped in the confines of a feminine body, nothing is more alluring than she who being so fragile in physical form, has her true power taken for granted or underestimated, her entire being is a massive understatement, and yet the way she grips your thigh in the dark, as she enters hard and deep, the way her pupils magnify what sliver of moonlight bleeds across your body as you stare down at her thrusting eyes, you think a woman is akin to a wolf and none would imagine the way she is capable of swallowing you alive. Then in the afterglow as she slowly dissolves away into the distance, you feel the remnants of her lingering with you, as though she has marked your body with her scent, to accentuate her territory. She strays but not from others, she strays from her self. This is what it means to love a shadow, her lips are the velvet slowness of a tortured animus. When she kisses you it hurts. It hurts where life begins, it hurts where life ends, but it is the hurt you crave from being enslaved, it is the hurt you beg her in silence to settle. It’s that secret swell of never spoken words, whose expressions die exquisite deaths, relentless deaths, contracting, swelling exasperating deaths, where bite marks and claw marks outline the places you were initiated. She doesn’t ever say it in the light of day, only in dark whispers, and you watch her with this strange mix of terror and desire, as she goes about her daily life, washing dishes, mending clothes, planting seeds that will one day grow into something beautiful. They mistake her for something tame, but you know better, you know better and you know worse and as she talks about the mundane, your mind travels back to dark territory, nothing she says or does is ordinary. You wear a goofy grin, and only when reality slaps you cold and hard across the face, do you realize how stupid you must look, walking around with an invisible leash on your hips, a magnet in between your thighs that draws you to the silver of her. Your friends say you must be whipped. But who are these friends? They are humans. They are human only human, and you are part canine.

6 Comments

Filed under Bondage, Desire, dreams, Enslaved, Erotic, Fantasy, Poem, poetry, travel, writing

The Copper Century

Back in my day they used to say “a penny for your thoughts,” that was before pennies and thoughts became obsolete. “Thoughts can’t become obsolete” said the young one, “oh they can and they have” said the elder. My thoughts are a sou noir. I haven’t a red cent to go on. Not a penny to my name. She had copper hair and money green eyes, and all the guys loved her, or that’s what she thought, when thought was an “in” thing, now as you know, it’s nothing. So here’s a nickel for your notions then. Very well, don’t spend it all in once place. “Impossible.” said the child in 1858. We bleed copper. I lick the elements off my cut finger in a dark corner of a polished bar, where men gather their pence, and come to their senses, down in the days of des pensées. I reflect on a penny, cast aside in a well that leads to hell. Too much drinking or thinking gets you in trouble with the crowd. Your thoughts are better kept quiet than loud. Deep dark red, stain of rustic river, rouge, rojo, desire red, fire red, scarlet, and crimson, ruby, maroon and blood moon. Set the sky aflame with these copper ponderings. There are not enough pennies for how deep the well goes. “How do you know?” “I come from that time darling, I come from the days when we checked the year of a penny for luck, and if it corresponded with your birthday, it meant you should make a wish and hold onto it. Those born in Canada after 2012 will have to settle for misfortune, knowledge fades, they will worship the nickel, we will call them the silver ones. Their thoughts will shine brighter and bolder than ours ever did.” “I guess I’m one of the last remaining penny bitches then, there’s something to be said for that,” smirked the child from the copper century.

4 Comments

Filed under Canadian, Narrative, Poem, poetry, travel, writing

Mosaic

“You seem so distant” she said to the woman who on the same continent watched her fly abroad. “No one ever stays,” laughed the gypsy. It’s the transience of flesh. I take a breath and waste away or exhale a massive solar plexus of hurt, longing, desire, hate, infatuation, covetousness for what in a box carefully wrapped, gets stowed away for a time of maybe someday perhaps we might join hands and unravel this, like a meticulous mosaic maker. Your eyes in this light are my green medicine, plankton over sea, moon filter at quarter tide.

1 Comment

Filed under Poem, travel, writing

The Hunger Artist

Ashen morning of gray, the city awaits the assault of winter upon her body of steel rising centuries. In this hour of eternal certitude, of frozen chaos, the stillness drowns in, and I think of you, my father who art in heaven, and my father who art on earth. The way you said to me what he could not speak, on dead lines, where  a breath was an entire lifetime. Busy is a bandaid, tear it away, pick at the decay, schedule in another cancer treatment between lunch and Christmas dinner parties, between two jobs like nooses that you wear tight as a tie around your neck, tight as a tourniquet from paycheck to paycheck. Open fridge to find a passage into another realm, the dark, lightbulb dead for weeks, too poor and lazy to replace, light is not needed to see nothing in this place. Open my cupboard, much the same scarcity, open my account, red marks along a dotted line of debt, open the wound where they poured the poison in to kill the black mark that entered you malevolent, malignant, more hungry than a wolf or an artist. Spark a cigarette, take the ache away. Rings rising and interlocking like the endless tail of a dragon I haven’t the strength to chase. Close your eyes. it fades away, whether you run or you stay.

5 Comments

Filed under Cancer, poetry, travel, writing

The Magic of Fire

In a reversal of fortune, the sea fills to the brim with fish, the trees in clear-cut bareness return, the oil sinks back beneath the earth, and the first atomic bomb implodes into itself, into nothing that ever touched this green paradise with toxic eyes of contamination. We stare on with child’s curiosity as fruit grows pure and food is not modified by science. Every man, woman, and child, every animal ever murdered in the name of progress, in the name of difference is reborn. The wires of connection are cut as the hands of communication reach out in truth to touch us. For once we are naked again without greed or malice, without fear or shame, under the brightest sun we shine as one tribe, discovering the magic of fire.

7 Comments

Filed under travel, Uncategorized, writing

Freedom

Your arm, thin as a syringe wraps around my ribs,

where the bird within flies,

one hundred times against the cage of me,

against the rage of me,

as emotions like steel bars locked in place

hold it from its freedom.

5 Comments

Filed under Poem, poetry, travel, Uncategorized, writing

Women of the waters that are never still

The missing and murdered indigenous women all gathered together at the lost city of Atlantis.

“No one believes we are real,” said one to the other, “they will never try to find us here.”

“If they never believe then we are free. If they start to remember is when we have to worry.” Said another.

“Yes the great spirit has made an ocean of oblivion and in all their crossings they forget..

They think their cities are real and ours is a myth.”

“Yes.” spoke the chief.
“We are safe here.”

They are distracted by the stars. The stars that died centuries ago.
The apocalypse has happened already. They just don’t know it yet.

They are all dancing together in a Matrix of dreams.

They wake up with new scars and wonder how those wounds ever healed.

“Sometimes they forget to hurt when we touch them,” spoke the child of agile deer, “and they mistake this pain for pleasure.”

The turtle will rise once more. When the time is right.

“The time is close,” spoke the hungry hawk girl. I see rust over the towers of progress, it stains their rivers and kills their fish. The white men in their polished houses laugh louder now. They laugh with terrorist eyes. And all the world is quiet in disbelief.

We are safe for now, but it won’t last. This time when they come dressed as brothers we will know the truth in that horse’s eyes.

We won’t drink the fire.

We won’t accept their dirty blankets.

We know how to keep warm. We are the keepers of the fire. We must never forget who we are, even if they have. They have all fallen asleep. When the sun rises it will be too late.

“It has already come to be,” spoke the ominous owl. It has already been written. They will burn the treaties. There is no honour in sickly pacts. They are a lost tribe.

“We have already been found what is there to search for now?” The sad squaw pleaded.

We must find ourselves here. We must honour our mother and father and give our respects to our grandfathers. One day all our relations will come together and they will lose their blindness.

Only when they have regained this vision can we be one again.

“One tribe under one sky” spoke the eager eagle.

So it is has been spoken.

They passed the peace pipe from hand to hand as they gathered around the roaring fire and danced.

You could hear the echo of their drums in the lost world where the rhythm of life was mute, their voices carried in the cries of the wild.

The forgotten ones were there and they remembered. Some of them had wolf eyes that lit a path through the dark.

You could never go hungry if you followed them.

But the eyes of the others were a deep abyss surrounding an ancient island, where they held a sacred vigil in honour of our fallen sisters

3 Comments

Filed under Aboriginal, Ancestors, Ancestral, Anishinaabe, Atlantis, Conversation, creative, Dedication, Environment, Feminist, First Nations, Folklore, Grief, Human Rights, Identity, Idle No More, Indigenous, inspirational, Matrix, Memory, Narrative, Ojibwe, Poem, poetry, Spirit, Tragedy, travel, Truth, writing

Among the Alphas

Orion burning bright. Star dagger, star blade. Her arm dangling by his side. I cannot bear to watch. Her smile is this anathema kiss of meaninglessness. Walk along with trail of light behind her. As a child in school I once liked a girl who was mine until she was lost to the crowd. Outside out loud I pulled her down and dragged her home kicking. This was a daily occurrence. Flashback through the years when the neighbors threatened to call the police as my brother dragged me down the street. In those days you could get away with “fuck you and mind your own business she’s my sister.” Knights in armour slayed. Funny but her awkward brother liked me. I submitted to liking him, experimental awe of galactic green. One day his sister’s friend threatened me with a baseball bat. That was the end of the prism on her lips that kissed my siblings. I remember the jealousy in my stomach twisting tight as a fist when my brother kissed her. And her brother kissed me numb. I imagined her through him, femme and frail, the skeleton children above my bed danced and played night and day. I gathered their pretty bones up and made a coffin of my heart. I still feel his hands around my wrist, caught in the tangle of my soul. I am prying with the force of steel, this sick possession he passed on to me that came directly from our fathers and all those fathers with women and daughters who gripped tight what they claimed as their own, parabolas of pubescence in crescent curvature, a star map of the sky to a whole other world where girls could run free, instead we spent our lives with the push and pull of tides, falling prey to our fatal curiosity. Those girls grew up and had babies. I grew up in grim disdain of all things they called natural. No Nephilim kin for me. Deer, dog, Osiris, hunter rather than hunted, hungering on the trail of wolfish women, fighting for my territory among the alphas.

2 Comments

Filed under Abuse, Poem, poetry, travel, writing

The girl who played with fire

I sense your eyes, reminds me of a magnet drawing coins. The way one enters you suddenly with so few words, your searching stare speaks infinite sentences. You put up a noose and slowly hang me there. I asked for an O, can we please go now? Run out in the snow, lay side by side under the stars. You are majestic in clandestine shadows, makes me dream of fire, a slow, cosmic burning. You take a piece of fabric in your hands, it’s as though you touch my hand, my eyes follow your every motion, you sense my gaze and laugh. We speak of things to break the awkward silence that is too loud for our quiet mouths to contain. You brush a feather away, pick it off my sweater and make me feel better. Few can do that. Few can make such simple gestures equate to this profound serendipity, but that’s how you effect me. I watch you dance away. The words you say, and the ones I give in response seem inane, but I love our interplay. Sweets given, space you enter with purpose, ideas shared between us, an affinity for the simple things. You hate technology and you’re bad at math. You were born in December. I remember everything, nothing you tell me is trivial. You have the patience of a saint you say. I believe it. Your gentle and calm nature are something akin to my own. You call me friend. I let you in, save a place for you around the fire where my small tribe gathers. Your words matter and then your lack of words. I speak to others with the intention of being heard by you. You read my mind like a clairvoyant. I pretend not to notice or see as you draw closer to me, flame to a moth, my desire for the girl who plays with fire, rising out into the smoke of nothingness, choking on ash from the ones who surround you.

6 Comments

Filed under Poem, poetry, travel, writing

Emotion

Sad, sad I am for no one can understand or hear me. I am in this hollow realm of empty knocking to be free. The scientists cannot reassemble the egg of smashed misfortune. Sad are your eyes like the fountains of a great sea, where released ions absorb the sun into salt. Sad is this wound where you rush in and out of me, leaving empty memories that dissolve in the sad sea, surrounding the saddest island in all the world. I wake up laughing at sad dreams. You say I am a masochist. Show me real then. Show me some emotion.

4 Comments

Filed under Emotions, travel, writing

Crystal

You are more than inebriated rush of desire whose midnight trespass forces hand, more than these love tattoos I wear around my wrists and neck. You are more than this jangle of keys in door. More than magnetic hours of heavy pendulum sway. You are more than these copper thoughts cast worthlessly in holy water, where rust contaminates  shine, dulls the stars, ejaculates empty dreams over the surface of sheets. More than these wrinkled lines of a forced smile staining the truth in my eyes.  She said to the man with her daughter in his mouth, that she spit out. Walking past a shop after sundown, captured by a glare through the dark, in a window through her DNA molecules, hidden in the chandelier near the end of a free-loving decade that shone like crystal.

4 Comments

Filed under Poem, poetry, travel, writing

The Seer

Oracle of voices. We gather round your fire, smoke plumes rising, intuitions dissolving into air. This one is more fascinating, skin and bones hold aesthetic allure over yours, over your too soft, too round, too white visage, of a failed body. This heart is a better bleeder. This faith I bestow in words is as substantial as the wind, which bears to hand the fire on the torch of the truth seeker. All the world loves you for who you are, accepts you as you are, their love is equal to your own, forthcoming with the same untamed passion and determination to meet you where the two flames cross into one eternal fire. What use of cold nights, what use of this loneliness? Let him take you, let her consume you. All the while I am oblivious, careless to the arson inflicted on you by these nightly intruders. I am a cup of water in a dry desert. I evaporate into mineral dust, blow out with sand, form into cold hard stone. All the love I’ve ever ever known is written in this rock, chiseled into fossils, found in future centuries, discarded under sea. Vertebrate and invertebrate. Tongue into dagger, finger into blade, eyes into death glare. The warhead of a loveless soldier, whose final kiss is bitter with the poison of its charm. I take her arm, wrap it around another, walk away, orchestrate from a distance this sad and fatal intercourse.

1 Comment

Filed under Poem, travel, writing

Violation

A voice is an echo on the shores of a river, cry of the loon. It is a new moon, a full moon, followed by the long snows moon. Ice encapsulates our memories as we tread the surface of a deep forgetting. To remember is to drown. My heart lives in this perpetual spring, melting into currents that violate the very rhythm of this cold season.

image

.

Leave a comment

Filed under Ice, Identity, Introversion, Journey, Life, Loneliness, Longing, Loss, Love, Memory, Mortality, North, Poem, poetry, Relationships, Seasons, Silence, Snow, Solitude, Soul, travel, Winter, writing