Stars

I was not created in the image of any God. If I could create myself in anyone’s image, it would not be a Western deity, nor Eastern divinity, nor any entity from Greek mythology, it would be carnal and perfectly imperfect. It is said that we reflect our desires, and that each person is like a mirror manifested by our psyches. If I could, I would create myself in your image, because in you the most merciful Goddess exists, and also the cruelest devil. I could have salvation and damnation in the same breath. My deepest erotic longings  are realized and contained in this one divine being. Your body knows no flaws, even in your scars there is a profound grandeur to surpass any sense of heaven or hell. I want to attend a funeral everyday for the entirety of my existence, just to mourn your mortality. It is the most wicked lie I ever heard, that you will die. I want to go back to the day my first ancestor was born, and drown them in the river, eradicate my entire bloodline, just to erase the moment I learned you were made of decomposing stars.
.

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Dyade

Peering in the mirror, I see your reflection in me. It’s always the one who is closest who leaves her imprint on my soul. The name that was given to me at birth was apropos, clarity and light, reflecting through dark, the image of that which is cast upon her. Deep under earth where thirsty roots, like small beings , conscious of their need for the tree, hold deep this vein which replenishes jugular affection. I want your black hair with blue undertones, want the blue haze surrounding you in me, like a cloud of vapor, inhaled and exhaled. When you say I should be things, like the orgasmic thrust you feel in your ilium, this is what I embody. I want your skin as it deteriorates from lack of nutrients, to be my own canvas splotched red, and for my pulse to be your pulse as it leaves your wrists where the indents of my sharpest desire are worn as a bracelet, swollen on the surface, where the ancient ache escapes, to become rain for the desert between your thighs.

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Annihilation’s Bird

Each bird in its place, caged.
One is set free daily.
Extended arm like a runway for aviators.
The broken one sits there envious of the sky,
It will never abide by suicide.
Buddhist principles of non-violence
forbid it forgiveness.
Instead it commits a thousand
silent murders within,
homicide,
genocide,
any form of annihilation
afforded by the imagination,
to spurn the body.

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The Reaper

​You were beautiful when you took my hand in your hand, when you held that black cape open, enticing me. You were 6 drinks in 60. You were a pile of white powder that I inhaled, in the hopes of feeling, the tissue soaked red from my efforts. You were lonely bridges at 2 am, bent over rivers, deep as whores. You were strange men who drove by and offered young girls a ride out on the wide open highway. You were razor blades stolen from hardware stores, when I was let out from the ward on a smoke break. You were sutures, charcoal, and the threat of stomach pumps. You were 20 meter jumps into nothing in the hopes of hitting something hard. You were there in infancy laughing, you were there on my first day of school, when I learned what it meant to be different. You are that look in my supervisor’s eyes as she gives me the once over, questioning whether it was really the right thing to hire me, then excusing my weirdness in place of the quality of my work and the level of my seeming dedication. You were the mark on a card indicating my identity, where the line was left blank. You are that thin tipped syringe that hits the vein perfect every time, the one I sometimes romanticize. You are the failed attempts I made, and all my partners who live/d too far, who are incapable of intimacy. You are that mystery man who comes cloaked in high fashion ready to take me on a date, but you never tell me the time. I will never know until I meet you, and then what if we are incompatible? You are always there, waiting in the shadows. You are there when I catch my reflection in a mirror. You were there today when I failed to be perfect, you will be there tomorrow, and tomorrow and tomorrow. I can’t starve you out, love you out, buy you out, or drink you out. I can’t write you away or procreate you away. You’re here to stay, ever the immortal victor to my corporeal existence.

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Rebel Rhetoric

Living is radical
when they prefer what is
predictable;
carefully calculated
algorithms adhere
to interpolated
parameters.
To live is to
extrapolate,
expel yourself
from the radar
refuse
rules,
rebel in
response
to
repulsion,
revolt,
rise up,
redefine yourself,
reawaken
the
revolution
register
as an earth refugee
apply to go
to heaven
apply for hell,
anything
is possible
outside the
realm
of this
robotic
reality.

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Battle Scars

America never belonged to their forefathers
It belonged to your fathers
and your father’s fathers.
Never forget that.
They drove a strong, proud, red nation
up into Canada,
where they cut off our tongues
and surgically removed our souls.
Red, white & blue
are part of you.
The blood which rushes
through your heart,
which they buried at wounded knee
could not be
without France, without Britain,
without the great red nation.
The enemy is in you,
and the warrior too.
Smearing paint over her cheeks,
she walks free
into the wild country,
bearing their battle
scars within her.

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Candidate 45

The day that Clinton bitch lost
and that idiot won,
my friend in all things strong and femme
held up her arm in a “we can do it” pose.
Tears soaked her cheeks,
while around her bicep
black fabric tied
like a tourniquet
hung
loose
over a tragi-comic,
self-grandiose
nation.

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The Other Her

You worship statues:
weak
flaccid
men
who
masturbate
to Jesus,
whose towers fail
to keep erect
when Muslim fires threaten.

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Feline to a Fault

The pitter patter of morning kittens running down the hall,
enter your bed where you lay in lioness sprawl.
Each eats a secret from your mouth
in the cemetery of animal thoughts.
Their razor tongues
attempt to wash your conscience clean
I am naked and 16,
A lithe leopard enters me.
Her dark ennui
transfigures my feminine soul.

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10mgs of joy

The Prozac nation
stopped at Grand Central Station
and rode the main line to oblivion.
No one saw the rust on the tip
of the syringe
from a generation which burned
through the veins
like wildfire
in search of its own happiness.

 

 

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Bullet Time

Everyone walks around like they’re in real time.

I walk in the bullet induced haze of a rabbit maze.

My mind is projected on the wall of a cave.

And nothing stays. Nothing penetrates.

I hear the grinding crack of bones when I hit the outside world,

light burns my eyes until I’m blind.

I think I broke something substantial, but I can’t feel the pain.

Others stand encircling me with their mouths agape.

I don’t know if I am supposed to react a certain way.

I have a complete absence of feeling,

even numb pales in comparison to this snuffed out candle of an anesthetized body.

Your smile is a shadow on the wall. Clap your hands and applaud.

I see the wings of an absurd albatross bird.

I think this is meant to be a signal of some kind.

I don’t know why, but people seem to think this all means something.

Maybe I missed mythology class, maybe I should be reading symbols & codes beyond my comprehension.

I turn to Jung again, maybe he can provide a clue as to what this nonsense means.

At least the deaf & blind have Braille and interpreters.

What about those who can’t feel?

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Failed Attempt

If I’d have succeeded
in meeting my heart’s desire
there would be no fire,
no spark of excitement
at the laughing, living,
breathing failure contained
within me.

Then you say I would never see
my mother past forty,
never see the grey
in otherwise sunny
skies.

Never have to sign my life away.
I would have made it
to that legal age
where too young gives way
to knowing better,
and simple as that the curtain
would have been drawn shut
for good on these dark,
floater strewn debris,
cataclysmic, catatonic
soul gazing pupils.

I would have had the soul sick
sense of dread at living
and the fearless contempt
that welcomes death.

I would be the same then as now
and now as then,
save the perils of
depleted oxygen.

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Dead Dream

So I dreamt I woke up
I had died and woken up
on the Golden Gate bridge
In San Francisco
And you carried a doll
to a shore
And shot it
in the heart.
It had cotton
guts,
they exploded
In a fury of feathers.
I wasn’t sure then
if I saw a bird
die
or fly,
though I know for certain
that doll kept her smile.

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I am America

All the honest ones on the bottom rung,
hunger without a green clue about how to grow food.
Yet our ancestors had the heirlooms, which would later
be bought by corporate leaders to make
toxic morsels, without real sustenance.

They would see dollar signs in the leaves of the trees,
ignoring the animal need in the seed we
received when we breathed our first
naked breath here, when we were taught to
respect here, this wilderness,
and the corrupt ones with their
pockets lined with lies,
grew rich off our trustworthiness,
or took it, with force, when we
were powerless to defend against them.

We watched what was once fecund,
become what is now a wasteland.
An ashy womb of indifference,
too poisonous to bear fruit.
We said mother earth must have
closed her legs and refused,
and yet they pried and forced
a millennia of greed a thousand feet deep,
so that the scope of it,
could be seen to permeate
every sector, from produce,
to health care, to political
sway, still she lay there
unresponsive to their touch.

It’s like I am America
and you are Europe,
like you rush towards me
with bloody hands,
fresh from raping your
own land, and you come here
hungry, looking to build a
new empire, from the ruinous
resin of your burned down world.
Like I have only an arrow to defend myself
against your lead battalion.

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Filed under Ancestors, Ancestral, Anishinaabe, Broken, Buffalo, Canada, Canadian, Earth, Enslaved, Environment, First Nations, Freedom, Hypocrisy, Idle No More, Indigenous, Modern Slavery, Past, Pipe Lines, Political, Pollution, Rape, Traditions, Tragedy, Trauma, travel, Truth, Uncategorized, writing

Vertical Over Apical

Memories travel in reverse, like spilled fluid up the cup before it was broken. Irony is I am awake at 2am reviewing chapters on the subject of sleep. REM decreases. As we progress closer to our death we spend less time dreaming, is this because we are closer to finally waking up? She sits in a white chair with a red glare projecting from her eyes. I envision her scalpel as she slices each neck, void of any emotion, this is purely professional, harvest the brain to study the cycles causing disease, be present at the hour of decay, sit at a temporary table and drink something permanent. Drink in sunsets, red dots on white flags, dotted lines: vertical over apical, swim out among a metaphoric sea of trees, hang myself there, like an ornament out of season.

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The Call To Serve

Eccentric hoarder in dilapidated mansion

RN,

gives me advice on survival.

Says I stand at a new plateau,

in her time what was known as controversial

was abortion.

In my time, assisted suicide.

holds up her hands in the shape of a triangle,

epic symbol,

for the fundamentals

encapsulating our scope of practice,

like an exoskeletal prism.

You think naively thus?

No.

The doctor only writes the

script,

the nurse follows it.

Thus, the needle,

through the administered I.V,

of a prescribed O.D.

 

Sudden flashback, lacking LSD,

I see myself in recovery,

my first gold pendant, symbolizing one year

of sobriety, with the ever familiar

polygon, encased in a circle

representing wholeness,

teaching us to give back in service,

but my question has always been

this:

who am I serving?

In this case the vulture

in the syringe.

As I turn to leave, she looks

me firmly in the eye,

through the blur

of her cataract,

says she admires my calmness,

something she never had,

instead she screeched her way out of

service.

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Filed under Nursing, poetry, Suicide, travel, Uncategorized, writing

In vivo veritas

[In vitro:]

Crystal violet sky where the sun sometimes rises,

shining light on these molecular emotions,

magnified objectively in a laboratory.

[In vivo:]

The microscope shatters,

obliterating field of view,

blurring my subjective vision of you.

In life, there is truth,

in glass, distortion.

In wine,

both.

Drink the sky, shatter the glass,

stare opaquely

into

these negative particles,

dissolving

in Methylene blue;

these warm drops

of humoral immunity

& emotional sterility

fall blankly,

 

singeing the stitches,

which hold the

child together

inside me,

a severed

suture,

bleeding

into the future.

 

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Confession

I got the results of my x-ray back today,

there are roses growing in me,

and it seems they can never die,

they found butterflies on the thorns

where they made cocoons,

only our lovemaking can heal these wounds.

[~C]

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There are roses growing in you;

I will always remember that August morning when you told me that there were roses growing in you.

Since that day, when they need light, I give them the sparkle of my eyes transformed into sunlight.

When they are thirsty, I empty my body of blood and I become their dew.

When they feel lonely, I serenade them under the full moon

When they are hungry, I offer them my tenderness,

and I cut my arms so they can keep my caresses.

Today, I have a secret to reveal to you; there are roses growing in me too.

Only my roses can live in your garden and yours are always welcome in mine,

but never offer roses to a stranger and never accept roses from someone else’s garden,

because the pain in my soul will provoke thorns to tear my skin off

and a rain of petals will cover my empty & naked body

that lies lost on a pyramid of thorns amid a sea of blood.

[~M]

Written by Crystal Kinistino & Mada Rose

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Filed under Beauty, Bleed, Bondage, Confessional, Dark Romanticism, Dedication, Love, Poem, poetry, travel, Uncategorized, writing

Hemlock (Truth#1)

I found in you, ephemeral but indelible, this bruise
purple as a twilight sky before the thunder,
where black around the eyes, as charcoal,
accompanying a crimson smear,
your cheek was stained by the memory of my presence.

Each day I arrived to see you sleeping,
bandaged, scarred, and profane, the words
never came, the sentences were anesthetized.

Your disdain grew like a tumour.
Inside needless cells,
carrying comets towards
hell.

The first truth was as bitter
as hemlock in the trial of Socrates.

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Uprooted

​Moth breath over Phalaenopsis,

the sway & swell of city sounds,

In the clay pot, broken, 

but never penetrated;

fastidious flowers, 

desiring winter on a bed of cedar,

stay this way, in virginal foreboding.

8 Seasons pass..

nothing lasts.

that which I called home,

that which I called love.

Fertilizes 

New hope

New eyes,

New bed.

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Endless Maze

Knowing you is continuing to do pirouettes with two broken legs without feeling the pain and even after the music has stopped; it’s flying in circles with no purpose, with the fall leaves and not feeling nauseous, lost or dizzy; it’s starting a new painting every day, using the same colors, drawing your portrait for the millionth time and still being amazed by this original work of art.

Loving you makes me feel like an innocent, pure, dreaming child, like a cherry blossom bud that already spreads such a deep and unique perfume, like a newborn butterfly that uses its last strength and broken wings to knock on heaven’s door.

You said to me that being with me is like walking through an endless maze every day. I will reply to you that discovering you is like traveling from the sky to earth disguised as a snowflake, falling slowly without being afraid to melt because if I melt you will melt with me and we will be just one, one happy little drop full of desire, peace and love, forever frozen on the stairs of paradise.

written by my love, Mada Rose

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Filed under Dedication, Love, poetry, travel, Uncategorized, writing

Perpetual

When I say I don’t know how I could have made it through this without you,

its not a declaration of incompetence or weakness,  it’s a feeling of gratitude.

Of course I am capable, a woman can choose to stand alone.

Its not dependency, need, or loneliness.

I don’t require a manual on how to be strong enough to do this on my own.

What this is, is a wolf in woman’s skin, tearing at her throat to let you in.

If you prefer winter,

go on and forsake

the summer.

The sun that rises also drowns,

in grey horizon.

This warmth of breath,

might just as well smother.

Elements in our bodies,

deplete desire,

for fire.

You with blade,

chip away at ice,

to make something

recognizable,

so that others may say,

It bears striking resemblance

to something real,

attend a festival of ice,

In a bid to feel;

The morning arms that reached for you,

The morning smile that greeted you,

The morning lips which sought in you,

something perpetual.

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Filed under Emotions, Poem, poetry, travel, writing

Mad girls love

I dreamt you up inside my head as Sylvia said and you bewitched me just the same, and

then the world dropped dead, and a bird fell from the sky.

I wanted to kiss you, but I found an urn, filled with the ashes of all our burned hope,

stricken by a terror & vitality greater than my ability to contain it,

I swore I’d hold it as a memorial to the love I would never know.

At 21 my therapist told me that real love for me would likely be impossible,

her words, like a curse haunted my existence.

Who gave her such right? To predict my heart’s abilities based on the fickle readings of a

mercurial mind, as elusive and hard to pin down as a butterfly..

That night I rode out to the prairies, surrounded by marshes and countless miles of isolated nature, where I drank as much alcohol as I could and turned on the carbon monoxide, hoping to forget love as it seemed an invention made solely for torturing the psyches of those whose hearts were wild and wide as the prairie sky, too much for any one body to hold, or any one mind to occupy.

It had to be annihilated.

It survived in spite of the poison. In spite of the toxins,

in spite of the way you withdrew from me that day.

I would find a way to outlive it I told you, I’d be inhuman if I had to, but I’d endure this life of lovelessness.

Then I woke up from a very bad dream, and I was in that place known as the afterlife. People think I still exist here. But I died in the café, where you asked me if I wanted you.

I became 3 years old again. My mom was holding my small hand, she took me on a bus ride, and I carried a small bag filled with all my worldly belongings, (everything that ever mattered in my three year old world,) but when we departed, to my horror, my bag was gone, I forgot it on the bus, and it was never to be found again.

When you asked if I might have you, I felt this way, so small and afraid, thinking I lost my world.

I learned to exist so long without it.

When you sat there in the café, with stars in your eyes, It’s like you were this simple, uncomplicated, child with pure virgin eyes, asking me if I wanted the world back again, only the way you asked it was so humble, and you put this strange accentuation at the end of your sentence, as if it were a question.

This antithetical statement “you will love, in spite of it.”

“You will live for the first time in your life, you will defy modern medicine. You will feel true elation, true joy as it was meant to be felt.”

In my bag there were books in which to colour, and girly things, that’s what I recall. And when you came you brought these to me again. You painted my eyes and gave me perfume, you surrounded me with beauty and endless sweetness.

I became 3 again, and the ladies on the bus who seemed so old to me then, remarked “what an adorable child, she has such deep, dark eyes,” and I hid shyly away from their gaze.

When you offered me a new life, in that simple yet amazing way, that is so you, I cried, and I covered my eyes with sunglasses, but you told me, I didn’t have to hide anymore, then you came home with me, where you “sung me moonstruck, and kissed me quite insane, “ and somehow in the most natural & effortless way, you rearranged the constellations.

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Filed under Beauty, Bird, Butterfly, Confessional, dreams, Poem, poetry, travel, writing

Butterfly 

​How another soul slips out from the cocoon, and blooms into a fleshy body of brilliance. We know the butterfly won’t linger always, perhaps this is what makes her beauty so sweet, is that she comes in full glory, with variance of colour and softness, sweetness and ecstacy, beyond what any constellation can inspire. You have waited a lifetime to touch her, and then she flutters away as suddenly as she arrived, leaving with you a feeling of completeness, fullness which satiates what seemed to be an eternity of hunger.You think she must have always been there in a state of metamorphosis, waiting for you to catch her, and you sigh a deep sigh of relief, which feels akin to flying.The ache inside you where she lives, where she grew into what she is.

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Reflections on Nursing 

 

You are like me, it’s how you’re supposed to be, so smile and be free says the bird in her, to the cage in me, creaking silver rusted memories. Abduct and adduct arms fast like wings, to fly on out of this place. Your mind is without limit, flapping like a fish on earth inside your body, and as such your spirit laughs in the face of this absolute powerlessness, the absurdity of a weakened system, which fails to reflect the stirrings of a child within, who knows eternal strength, uplifting. Infantile and so, deemed useless, without the ability to prove oneself worthy. Yesterday centennial celebrations, in a society who is not keen on decay. “I’m lonely,” lady of Italy, who spits out the soup in distaste as I spoon feed her lies, in an attempt to comfort her, silence her, in the kitchen, where they gather our incompetence’s, small checks in boxes indicating our failure to thrive. She says she is lonely, this is the pathos of the human plight, and I without ability to heal, provide the most basic of human needs, company, and a spoon, where her hand has failed to hold, and her mouth refuses to open save for spitting obscenities, which amuse me. Hot blooded Italian from the old country. Her family come to visit, and her granddaughter gives me the once over, a power dyke, and me in white, all white, as though I were pure.

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Filed under Aging, Alone, Loneliness, Loss, Malady, Medical, Memory, Mortality, Nursing, Pain, Poem, poetry, travel, writing

Reversal

Where once dreams,
death of dreams, alongside dreamer
Where once pulse, now erratic rhythm,
Rhythm who wakes me from sleep, to sea of salt from fault
In amygdala.
Where once stars over café in Paris,
now carnage in mind is blacker than the sky
Van Gogh once painted.
I know the tumult of unsteady
sinking ship, incapable of relation.
the heart dissolving where once was song,
the heavy fall of silence and uncertainty.
Catching the sky from rain of pink clouds reversal,
cupped hands empty of all colour, fluidity, and purpose.

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the ghosts of the one’s who were wanted

You see all the things I am, see this radiant image glowing, I want to burn my wings slowly in the sun, become earthbound, trip over a stone and fall in the water, cut myself on my own reflection, I want these silver scars, don’t want to tell you how the shine of them, carried me through the darkest moments, but you came to me in a dream, so it seems we were fated to believe the unimaginable. You don’t want to see me sad, like it’s your new occupation to make me smile. You say I should sleep, should eat well, should care about myself. I feel I want to, I know these are words of kindness, not like before, not leashes, or latches fastened. If ever I wanted a leash, it would be a way to the moon again, before I burned out the belief of so many good days, days when the potential was in me. I would take it, take that gasoline, take back the pleural inhalation. Evoke a strength, envision a way to unlatch the fingers which interlocked, the one’s that made time stop. The smash of a glass, the way human’s hands can become as savage as beasts, tiger claws, and poison eyes, snake venom love, the kind that dissolves you, and leaves you paralyzed. I have smoked the biggest crystal, lit it up, watched the ghosts of the one’s who were wanted, hurting to be touched, unable to even sense it.

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the way the sun betrays

5a.m broken inner clock, the way time stops you dead in the night, and feeds you the light of the morning, but it’s a force feeding session, and in your deepest depression, you lost your appetite. Hurting yourself was a way to control the pain. I understand that. I did that too. It’s like being immortal, only to be told you will die. You think it’s a lie, they all must lie. When the one’s who were meant to protect you have all hurt you, you lose the desire to be protected. Someone comes along and says they love you as much as a flower in fall, that forgot that summer ended, that kept growing in spite of the cold. They tell you they will always protect you, and you think of the way chlorophyll fades, the way the sun betrays.

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Everest

I need to hold you, need to be held, then you empty out like a dark cloud, and the sky is always falling on our dreams. It’s falling on our dreams, as it bleeds into the streets, crowds with surgical vision, cut an incision between us. I can’t feel anything, must be the anesthetic, maybe I am pathetic for wanting, for needing anything, but it isn’t that, it’s the way your arm is held back in the past, by someone who fed your need to be conquered. Now you’re like Everest, climbed and forgotten, a peak, a climax, that lasts only in photographs, long ago burned.

This poem should have ended where it began…

“I need to hold you.”

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Telos

My hands are sad, they speak deep between the lonely crease of love and loss. My eyes are empty, close blankly, refuse to see light and dark, my eyes say these lacrimal glands need to empty out, empty out the countless drops that make up the oceans, leading toward this lonely shore, far from what I’ve come to feel familiar, arms around my body, that say, they love me, arms that say they cannot wait to embrace me, do not speak myths, only articulate truths in sinew, flesh without limit, as though at anytime these arms could learn the way of flight, should I need them, to travel outwards past the clasp of the one who orchestrates a symphony of birdsong, loon cries, geese departing cold Northern shores. Say we are the same in our birdness, that the stars shine with the vigour of burning Gods and Goddesses, for the sole sake of making our dreams essential, or imparting hope that burns eternal. The cup says I am empty, it is mine, I know this because my hand communicates the need to fill it, fill my hand with the glass, fill the glass with water, the water craves my mouth, my mouth craves the water, in this craving, we belong together, are essential elements directed to the common goal of fulfilment. I am a filament, a wick of candlestick, fire is my companion, and the heart a dark organ, that chooses this restless passion to burn. My fingers miss being entwined, I need another hand to fit like a piece of missing puzzle, made of bone that wants to grow, instead I am cramped in my own loneliness. Books line shelves, unread, who say they feel neglected, my eyes visit them, briefly, my mouth utters their contents, sentences fall like strands of hair, in tattered snippets, resembling a person, who wears a braid, and plays a tug of war with words, which never say their true meaning. The clock says follow my hands, I am in circadian alignment, a master of flight. Time says he is angry, a father who died before I knew his eyes were mine, a lover who awaited my touch. This interval in itself resents me when I dress, when I rush out the door, in my hurried frenzy. My legs say stay, my hips pull them back into bed, like reins, my eyes close, and I remember to dream, I see you then, dreaming me, dreaming my veins into rhythm, my nerves into a fevered impulse, butterflies dance down my spine, flickering like candles in the dark, a hot breath of recognition lands on on my neck, from behind. Outside in the garden a rose grows thornless, in consideration of your delicate beauty.

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Filed under Poem, poetry, travel, writing

the ticket soulward

Blackbirds line the plexiglass of the perimeter down Attikus, a bounding pulse, riding through my chest, like an untamed mare, striving for ventricular leap; the streets lie empty as a wrist at the end of a long kiss, and leave me like this και πάλι ένα μαύρο πουλί, landing in the black night, among the cypress trees, calling, swooping, downward, toward the slopes of green, leading to Kiffisia, where the splendor of radiant seasons, throbs like a thousand hearts under one temple, ready to open, ready to thrust away the grey of winter, replace with this, your soft hand, virgin of labor, likened to the flush of sunset that covers the sky in a shy smile, forges the earth to be still, while the cataclysm in my body, swallowed by the Aegean, washes up through the years in the water garden, where her gaze, the gaze of heaven, her lips, forming constellations, which surpass the beauty of a thousand stars when she smiles, her eyes, a deep reflection which sees beyond my waking vision, path of petals, sweet and vernal, where she counts in anxious expectation the moment of our merging, merging beyond blood, beyond time, where trains pass like veins, towards the heart of eternity, you did not board, you did not purchase the ticket soulward, and I thank you for this, in a murmured Latin tongue, which you reject like love.

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Filed under Poem, poetry, travel, Uncategorized, writing

The burned out house we inhabit

In the vacant house,

charred wainscot

a flash of memory

captured as a photograph,

where I come to greet her in the foyer,

she keeps that smile,

until my hand reaches to caress,

her face as wax melts,

her smile drips

over the windowpane,

forming stalagmites,

blistered fingers, burned out heart,

her hand emerges from the

ashes,

“holding my cindery, non-existent,
radiant flesh. Incandescent.”

in absence of identity,

personal keepsakes,

years of collecting ourselves,

kept in boxes, or

displayed on shelves,

soot where our souls once burned

with the vigor of starlight,

caught between rocks,

we push together,

one breath, hot enough to burn

the braid of us,

the knot tied from

infancy to

senility,

somewhere, on the chart

of our development,

we failed our goals;

trust was replaced with mistrust,

autonomy with doubt,

identity with confusion,

intimacy with isolation,

and productivity with stagnation.

We were left with these bodies,

whose faces are as familiar as strangers,

jagged teeth, fading ivory,

loss of skin’s elasticity,

hollowed eyes,

lacking glimmer & glitter,

we decorate our souls,

when we can no longer attend the

celebration of who we are,

but as we fade far,

know that the soul never forgets

it’s purpose,

we came born with a song

and a reason to sing it,

who among us can content herself

with a furled feather,

clutching a long sleep,

if we never care to dream

or awaken?

My wishes blown out,

one final sparkler

lights up the dark room

like a fiery organ,

I multiply each breath,

resuscitating this smothered heart.

Little girls again, we run together,

past rolling brooks, leading to

the water’s edge,

here we walk back,

retracing ashen steps,

I pour lava into the places

where we failed to grow,

forming from ebony pitch,

a shiny onyx tear,

we walk the path of tears,

and reach the ocean

of our separation,

in hope of growth,

tossing these in the salt water

and brine of

rejected kisses,

cold arms,

stern faces,

meter sticks,

belts,

brutality,

and

broken hearts,

we come back none the better,

none the wiser,

the same fleck of

green,

same dark sense of loss,

covers the forest in moss.

 

But I love her,

as I love the

earliest memories

I have,

the ones where hope

thrived in small

corners and

tables were set,

by our imagination,

with no real food,

no real sustenance,

nothing to nourish us,

no hydration,

but the one seed

planted,

was enough to

assuage our thirst,

to restore

the air again,

to allow for flight,

and we rose without thought

or fear of falling.

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Filed under Dedication, Poem, poetry, travel, Uncategorized, writing

Smiles like Sunscreen

So what if we did away with persona?

What if we shed our lambskin for wolfish fur, and a set

of fangs, bearing sharp our desire for blood, deep meaty flesh,

bones, calcium, and enamel?

What if she said “I want you on my mantle,”

a porcelain doll, where you sit collecting dust,

until she decides to brush you off and make you useful?

What if every day she stared in your eyes, and replaced those

sweet lies with a bitter, unpalatable truth?

 

What if she was cold and uncouth and her words caused

you to shatter, but she just stood in laughter,

mocking your eye as it rolled across the parquet floor,

and when she was done breaking you into pieces,

she put you back together again, buttoned you up,

told you to mind you don’t catch a cold,

kissed you warmly on the cheek, and then stopped speaking

to you again.

 

In her you might see the softened blush of redolence,

moments of passion, intermingled with tenderness,

only to end in incomprehensible violence.

But, what if, by meeting we didn’t mind the first impression,

and the pink clouds of infatuation were replaced by grey,

ominous nebula?

What if she said, “I take an enema because I am so

tense and backed up, that my body refuses to expel

it’s own toxic waste?”

What if she said, ‘I can’t let go, I never climax, because

I need to stay in control?”

What if she told you “don’t speak,

don’t move, don’t touch anything, stay very still, like unseen

particles, because I need for you to cease existing at the hour

when my anxiety is most high, which is at night, when

I think I might die?”

 

If she sat with you over coffee and told you of every

thing imperfect about her, of all her shortcomings,

and solidified reasons for being alone,

then what if she took you home,

and you knew that she wouldn’t touch you,

wouldn’t want you near her, couldn’t bear

the sound of your breath beside her in the bed,

what if she told you these things instead of

pretending to be kind, sweet, compassionate,

the one?

 

What if the sun came with a warning label?

“Might cause cancer, but may also cause flowers to bloom.”

Would we still want to wake up to the daylight?

But we would and we do, we slather ourselves

in u.v protecting cream and admire the beams

as they cut across our field of dreams,

because truth is, we’d rather have flowers

than tumours, so we ignore the signs,

failing kidneys, inability to breathe,

inability to grieve, due to the painted on smiles

we wear like sunscreen.

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Filed under Cancer, Poem, poetry, Relationships, Repressed, travel, Uncategorized, writing

Sad light box

Look inside, all the sun is contained in this box.

Open the lid, let it out, the song changes for each season, a musical wind up game, turn the handle, slowly unraveling melodies. When this opens, who determines what flies out? Pandora pandora, a bat, a bird, a rose blossoming, a frost flower, a hurricane? They say the mind creates it’s own world, and in the box of these thoughts, I hold the night sky, out among the stars, one firebird rises, the rest of the galaxies cry molten tears of obsidian. I turn the handle and your image rises above me in holographic beauty, you float down above me, your lips touching my lips, your eyes like small flames from candles that the dark can never extinguish.

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Dissolution

Though the ocean may be beautiful, it’s tumultuous, unpredictable.
When you pull from sand, the shell of me, I sense you hear
my heartbeat on sonar blips, from far away ships tracking dolphins,
but as I follow the cry under darkest depths, surfacing is empty,
empty, as a photograph of a woman’s feet on the shore,
taken by another woman,
a sinking feeling, as she walks a path,
where no trace of me exists, the sun is pointless, a burning orb
of agitation.

Sleep is futile for the sterile woman, holding a novel, whose
characters were invented on star dreams, dreams of death.
A few words spoken between strangers can mean more than
a decade of silence between the beloved.

Each stranger represents a new world,
her face is a new dream envisioned;
I tell her love is my religion,
that our discovery of eachother was like
the birth of us, and our meeting
will be the baptism.

The things I don’t speak, are truths caught on a hook,
by a small child, with the sunset rising in her eyes;
that the poet is a thief and a sailor,
that the one you most want to attract,
is the one you toss back.

Toss me back, full-bodied, and I become the siren.
I master the ability to swim, my legs become fins,
I am the mermaid others swear
they have seen, I swim downstream,
far from your dreams,
and arrive at a rock on an island.

Until the tide returns,
I am nothing.
You are the tide,
always rushing through me.
I was never able to stand still,
my feet next to your feet,
an image burned in the mind,
like tree sap tears,
the crystalized lachrymose
on a fiery spoon,
of black
dissolution.

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Morning frost

Tracing prints of you, outlines in snow, the depression of an angel centered under pine tree, the snow art made by your body, hopeful of flying. Red sirens, i.v lines, injection of Demerol, the cup in your hand is my hand, shaking, weak from the hunt of keeping up.

Don’t drink water, don’t hydrate, morning rushes in like pin needles around a limb, poorly vascularized. Ice crystals like small white veins, crawling on the surface of glass, branch out in an arterial tree, dangling dorsally, from your deep roots, where I wait to be received.

abduction adduction, abduction adduction.

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Gunpowder girl

Leaden you are, sulphuric, charcoal- eyed,  mandibula chewing on curiosity, facts & figures. Small child you are, thin arms dangling, doe-struck. Saltpeter, potassium, elements equating to lethal. I am a torso cut out, χωρίς κεφάλι, Winged Victory of Samothrace, red target centered on heart, positioned sagittally.

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Filed under Poem, poetry, travel, writing

Flowers Wilt on the Fringe of the Crowd

Pick me for the dance, this is your last chance, soon the music dies.

A bouquet is thrown toward a roaring crowd of lonely people,

I am you, the other half of a twilight sky,

the part where the sun goes to cry.

Out on the fringe, where time gets singed,

as all those paralyzed moments of waiting

fade like wilted flowers.

 

Your hand, my hand, a memory and a dream intertwined.

Somewhere in another life we are together, perhaps a

parallel world exists, a place where all those petals picked

float down, landing in the hands of those who never

knew they were wanted.

She loved me,

she loved me not.

 

She did not want love at all,

only to be left alone in a glass vase

of unbreakable crystal.

 

Life breaks those who are fragile,

they fall from hands like stems

that smash on marble,

spilling the wine of potential.

 

You could spend your whole life sipping,

and never fully tasting,

or swallow it all in one shot and be done,

say all I needed has entered my bloodstream,

been detoxified through this one vein,

under pierced skin,

hard against the pulse of desire,

where this steady hand,

holds an empty syringe.

 

Birds refuse to fly in dark skies.

Sometimes the wind carries them

wing by wing,

as they balance against the storm,

a pair of blackbirds, separate from the

entire flock,

I watch them soar,

and think of us,

together,

swaying under the stars.

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Filed under Dark Romanticism, Dedication, Depression, Desire, Distance, dreams, Longing, Loss, Pain, Poem, poetry, travel, Uncategorized, writing

Stalemate

I don’t understand chess, I never learned it, but I do get that there are Queens and Kings and pawns, and I understand the concept of a stalemate. I think all my past relationships ended that way. “I can’t make any moves, seems like a dead-end here, you copy?” “Over and out I read you, no moves to be made, all possible moves cancelled out.” It’s like being on a two-way radio playing chess. How the hell did this happen? Fuck my life as they say. I’ve never had luck with women and I never had a real desire to learn chess. To me it seems like something old people do, like golf, golf, chess, and ballroom dancing. If I ever get that stale mate, check me off the board. I’d rather not continue, I’d rather find myself at the end with no more moves left to make and a pocket full of memories of how things used to be fun, and I’ll take those and sit in the sun with a drink and a book, and stare at hot young Greek girl’s asses by the beach in Mykonos, no wait that’s something my ex girlfriend did when I was with her in the sun on a Greek island. She told me quite frankly, as we watched a young woman walking on the beach. “she has a nice ass,” and I thought this girl sure doesn’t hold back her thoughts, but she was right, I suppose, only those things never much mattered to me, maybe when I’m really old I’ll miss being young enough to imagine waking up in a spoon position with some Greek girl’s tight ass against my pelvis, but if she’s one of those carefree bitches, I’ll feel worse rather than better, and if she’s got too much of a tortured mind to have fun, then I’ll be equally tormented, so who cares about her ass, it’s only good to look at and imagine something better. But I got her back later at the café that evening, a lovely waitress came out to serve our coffee, and as she walked away I declared “wow, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a woman so hot in my whole damn life, what a Goddess!” And my ex just looked at me and said “thanks a lot.” I aim to please I guess, but then you know, we hit that place of no going forward and no going back, and as I reflect, there was never anything for us to go forward to together, and never a reason for me to go back, except maybe to sit in the sun, on a gorgeous Greek island, and enjoy the view.

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Filed under Aegean, Alone, Break Ups, Challenge, Cleansed, Comedy, Conversation, creative, Greece, Greek, Humour, Lesbian, Loneliness, Loss, Memory, Message, Poem, poetry, Prose, Relationships, travel, writing

Feeling less alone, (on the nature of depression and butterflies)

Today I learned that the deep depression on the inner center of a human skull resembles a butterfly. Peering within, it’s as though at some time, this transitory beauty was meant to forever imprint upon us the delicate nature of a fleeting journey. Only if the skull is cremated or destroyed, does the memory of that gentle flower-seeker disappear. Within the hemisphere, the pituitary signaler of hormones, transmits chemicals to her butterfly mate, who lives innate in our throats, where the ability to speak, from time maternal, depends upon the migration of the one butterfly, straying south, and the other staying north, for without their separation, the vital energy it takes to live would cease. Such sacrificial love in nature creates brilliancy, but what’s more, it is the lack of electrical current that defines depression, as inhibitory. If this myopic view excludes further truth, it may one day be discovered that the real origin of our cranial pain, and mental suffering are related to this separation, to this lack of excitation within the neuronal center. It’s not the fact that there is a lack of stimulation, it is instead a lack of attention, a lack of response. “Soak me in serotonin, and watch me cry,” sings the butterfly. “No,” cries the other butterfly, “you are mistaken, I am that shadow, existing within the grey area, where the cloud formation never dissipates, do not think I can dissolve into elation. I journeyed once, more than a day, which in my time was forever, and I knew feeling and taste as vividly as each step one takes. Although I live in the echo from phonemes breaking, my real truth lies in the upper regions, where words form in synaptic response to thought, dark, enduring thought, which keeps my soul from dying, much like your heart beat keeps your body from flying. Through resonance and dissonance I am cocooned inside of you, always.”

The nurse sits with the patient as they discuss the power of non-verbal communication, ie; touch. “When you hold my hand,” she tells her, “I know you are there, it’s like a flower growing in my spine, I can feel it, I can sense it growing there, and though I know it will die once you let go, it helps me to feel less alone, it’s like a thousand astrocytes lighting up the dark sky inside of me.”

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Filed under Borderline, Butterfly, Conversation, creative, Death, Depression, Distance, Drowning, Identity, inspirational, Loneliness, Longing, Loss, Love, Medical, Memory, Message, Mortality, Nostalgia, Pain, Poem, poetry, Relationships, Science, Self, Shadow, Sorrow, Soul, travel, Uncategorized, writing

On reading the diary of Virginia Woolf

A small bird flies into the pupil of her eyes, from where it begins to rise, as her tears fall. The wooded path, down which she travels, on her late night rambles, where the colour of the deer match the brambles. It rises there in green light,flooding through thick curtain, collapsing, wingspent on the forest floor, where it comes to rest in the thicket evermore.

Yesterday she was gold plated, gold is not meant to crack in thin line, where falsity falls from fingers, grasping at quill, until this sentence takes flight, by a height of such altitude, paving way for a depth of demise. The bird in her eyes does not rise any more, will not gather in tangled domesticity, will not show signs of sanity, i.e, does not behave obediently.

She shines the silver carefully, and minds the manner of her tongue, lest it be kindling for flame, as smoky sentences rise from pages, where she leaves behind traces of truth, until the waves open the sea, swallowing her heavily under. Outwards and inwards, with no warning of the incoherent tide within her mind.

New dress replaces old, she says she inhabits it for 10 and 11p, at the table forlornly, she scribbles down her reality, what to me can only be a memory, preceding an emotional Holocaust, as the gas chamber glare of her vacant stare, goes unbroken for a century.

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Filed under Feminist, inspirational, Journey, Lesbian, Life, Love, Memory, Poem, poetry, Suicide, travel, Virginia Woolf, writing

Rigor mortis

It’s funny when he sees me, he thinks I need saving, because he sees only the most tortured parts under the microscope, “sorry you hear voices, I hear them too, the voice is audible, sounds like something sinister, perhaps you might think of praying,” is what his slowly sinking gaze speaks inaudibly, and when the doctor asks, “has anyone here ever seen a cadaver?” Not one of the nursing students answers, and he, the only man with a credible soul utters, “yes,” all eyes are on him, all the freshly pricked virgin ears, point in cochlear attention. yada, yada, “I once knew a man who was a professor, who had access to a morgue,” the topic is rigor mortis, stiff corpses, as I sip my morning coffee, and take a bite out of my raisin tea biscuit, alone in the back of the classroom, because I came late, and knee boy took my seat. I mutter under soft tones as all in the class attempt to lift the heavy air with their superficial speak, and the doctor looks at me, walks closer, asks me to repeat my words, but no one is listening, or so I think, when I say, “a baby, I saw a dead baby,” -“oh what did it look like?”-” It was limp, it’s arms and legs dangled.” He walks away speechless, then the boy who dreams of blowing Adam in eden, whilst on his knees, writhing w/ a painful patella, turns my way, holds his gaze, and repeats that same sunken look of sympathy, as inside I smirk apathetically. No one dares to ask, choosing instead to stay silent, yet I hear their thoughts float through the air like disembodied voices, voices without flesh, stiff voices with rigor mortis tongues. If they’d have asked, I’d have told them, I felt nothing. I felt nothing, I saw flesh, in the places where her infancy bled through purple epidermis, and without asking, I knew why, why the paramedics kept her for over an hour in the ambulance, when she had already succumbed to  “primary flaccidity” to save a young mother from the eminent shock that she was soon to feel, as PTSD leaked through her veins, like ink from squid, a thousand miles below sea level, where no voice could ever be heard.

There once was a cross-bridge, where thirty myosin heads could be seen bobbing on the surface of the river below, instead of help, they were screaming, “ATP, ATP, glycogen depleted.” There has been a deterioration of the sarcoplasmic reticulum.

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Filed under Death, Memory, Poem, poetry, Science, travel, Uncategorized, writing

Impermanence

Before the glass shattered, it was already broken they say, true to the Zen principle of impermanence. I think of the day I first emerged from the taxi, taking your glass hand in mine, feeling the fragility of every molecule of crystal flowing in the summer light between our glass bodies as we held eachother. I recall the glass city, yet to be explored, shimmering with the beauty of ancient temples, mineral by mineral. I pay glass money to the mosaic man, whose eyes reflect in green visions from a childhood, still seen, on the surface of sand, surrounding the Pacific Ocean, where I shattered into sunlight, collecting broken bottles, which the water shaped to resemble lost gems of treasure. Where has that child gone, her body a mere memory held in cracked neurons, sustained there between the darkness and the stars? I am that bottle, I am that eye, fixated in green brilliance, over the radiance of these shattered encounters, from zygote grin to wrinkled skin. That day on the street, when the glass savior with blot on spoon, dissolving into liquid, injecting through syringe into glass vein through semen, into ovum, the opium of my fluid existence. I hear chimes ring as the wind smashes them against the window, echoing across this wild , wintry country, the songs he sang before my time of fiery emergence. I am that bottle, always accompanying me, in the broken luminescence between light and shadow. I tread carefully amid two contradicting forces, the one with glass breasts and the one with glass phallus, anima and animus, one jagged splinter, ever forging toward the mercurial, toward the mesenchyme of osteoblast and hyaline, ever regenerating new bones, new placenta, new spearhead toward multicellular matrix fold of glass rose, glass wine, glass romance, capable of falling from the balcony where my glassy infatuation lies, already a hazard to the lovers who pass by barefoot and careless tongued. Your countenance glistens, not with the warmth of orbital, but that of ice, incapable of deliquescing. Shatter me a million times, I am already broken, broken like a blister on the lips, where we kiss away the cancerous rays of ultraviolence. Don’t tell me the circle of vibrational circumference is always gravitating further away, because if you say this, we might need to stay, held down by the force of the world, which is forever fated to break.

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Filed under Heroin, Identity, Illusion, Loss, Memory, Poem, poetry, Time, travel, Uncategorized, writing

Deference

No baby, I don’t think it’s that you are incapable of being happy, I think you just have more receptor cells for sadness. The little molecules of joy float away from you. The reason it hurts is because your threshold is low, and you’ve built a tolerance for sadness.

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Filed under Pain, Poem, poetry, Trauma, travel, Truth, writing

Memory’s Marrow

206, and yours were in the lower lumbar, I lie in the slumber of codependency, and when the nurse walks in on me, curled fetally near your rib cage, she assumes I’m your daughter, no use in bothering that it’s 4 a.m., as the old man in room 12b calls for more morphine. Without each other there’s the great depression, you’re the haploid cell in my gene expression, I’m like the repression of two faulty chromosomes along a y-axis, which really means nothing, except that I was the girl who risked death for you. You were the sweetness of tea where the drip of honey diffused viscously between warm thighs. Deeply is how I break in your arms, where they fused steel on epiphyseal lines. I ask God why I’m so easily fractured, and she says it must be love, love like warmth spilling out. They drew lines across your body, where the scalpel wrote poetry from your inability to keep normalcy. Faithfully we love, though the heart could mend or break us. Like natural selection, you ossified and died, as I went on to evolve beyond the collagenous glare of these scars. When the doctor sketched the image of your shattered spine, I thought of majestic butterflies lining the trunk of a tree, as the first harsh breeze of autumn tore them away from each other, and I felt some day, I’ll make my way back and pour my heart out in a cup and you will drink yourself sober, wake up without balding, without the wrinkles dissolving youth, pale skin in the morning, the sputum from toxic lungs, God knows I need a way out of this.

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Filed under Cancer, Coffee & Tea, creative, Death, Depression, Memory, Mortality, Pain, Poem, poetry, travel, Uncategorized, writing

The Battlefield of Music

I am your song, bury me in the coffin of your guitar, then once you come to the end of the bar, strum me hard. Strum me through the streets of downtrodden, strum me where the spiritlands are, in cedar and bark, in the steel echo of heart, strum until your fingers bleed crimson, strum me slow, strum me imprisoned, then when you find yourself at the end of loving, strum me free. Strum me the wings of ravens, strum me eagles and vultures. hawks in all cultures, strum me Hispanic, strum me black, strum me exotic on islands where girls wear dresses made from leaves, strum me electric, amplify my soul, strum me hungry and full, with a handful of change and some tea for the tillerman, strum me like a busker who plays for his favourite shot of rye, strum me high baby, strum me high, then bring me down a key, like a Southern comfort melody, lay me on the grass slow and melodiously, in the oppressive summer heat, play me through all seasons, play me without reason like I’m going to die, because every song has a refrain, refrain from touching me, leave me alone, then let me vibrate in the carpal memory of your bones, where splinters and marrow record the solo pitch of my soul. Coda, codine, codeine, crave and despise every chord, but the one that takes you out of this world, honey that’s the one you gotta find, find it and hold it, cradle it from neck to navel, then strum it alive, strum it like neurons sparking through dark, let it resonate like a scream, like the death cry of a warrior on the battlefield of music.

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Filed under Love, Music, Pain, Poem, poetry, travel, writing

Control, Alt, Delete

You are born in ethereal light, funereal flow through vessel of heart, where  room holds caskets, bassinets, tourniquets, places to sleep, to dream, to waken. On the day of your departure from veins, warmth of crimson, rush of celebration, permeates receptor cells, life the mournful fall, death the joyful rise, pulling coins from your eyes, toll for the boatman, an atheist bent on sinking, cargo of karmic, a vessicle of rebirth, bursting forth, dissolving the old self and its former memories, dreams, hopes, and procreation. Reversal of ego, the fluidity of self. They give you a name, a place, a face, a position between two poles, a selective offering of chromosomes, and then they take it all away, leave you as a blank slate, you the great author, illiterate, inarticulate, mouthing desires, forming fears. Before you get here you are complete, experience erases data-
control, alt delete.

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Filed under creative, Death, Disenchantment, Displacement, Evolution, Identity, Illusion, Journey, Life, Loss, Mortality, Poem, poetry, Soul, Spirit, Time, travel, writing

Before the Abyss

Somewhere on a mountain in India, you were learning about the particles of sand in the rocks that expanded from the boulder of your aspirations. Speak nothing of the weight of it, small unrelated sibling of brown skin. Don’t carry the weight of the world, crossing continents, shifting from what we spoke of as a caste system which broke open and slowly became something of a mineralized memory, chiseled sharp as a surgeon’s instrument.

When I was ten years old I felt God enter my bed and lift me toward the sky. I may have at one time cried over the death of birds. Never once would I imagine an unborn soul’s karma would meet with mine to rise up into the white of discarded feathers, else pull those makeshift wings over her own small body and fly.

Truth drizzles from the tongue in crowded corridors, where from behind the girl without a circle flocks towards my side in tacit approval, smiling back lost decades, where among you all I would have been unrecognizable. Her and I are the nuclei of free radicals, I laugh at the open door for rebels to pass through, gaining entrance freely. I hear your own laughter echo back to me.

We all started with a dream. Today that dream dies. Today the scope of practice is spoken of, and the post trauma of seeing small children, like smashed eggs on the sidewalk, where the yolk of what we become gets burned beneath the sun. My heart, my heart lies lateral to my body. My soul, my soul, lies proximal to the sky. Skip a beat…

listen for the atrial flutter of a butterfly, inflating beyond measure, auscultating systolic pressure.

120 over 80 mercury, retro to distal, the parietal of my hand reaches through the ventral of the darkness, separating the opposing sides of a funnel cloud in utero, tapping on a stethoscope.

The eyes open as light floods the pupils, dilating variance, ascertaining vision, a flash of recognition, the first stranger we meet,

our first lover, the keeper of our primary impressions. When acceptance or rejection tattoos the future on our small dangling feet.

The first spanking or christening, followed by the first kiss,

Before the abyss, and after the abyss.

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Filed under Butterfly, Canada, Canadian, Distance, Medical, Memory, Past, Poem, poetry, Science, Time, Trauma, travel, writing

Memories All Fade

At some point the sunset gets gold, gilded circle, arc of fire, burning liar! Telling time like the crime of the century. I am still that girl of twenty, staring at another girl across from me on the sofa, high as a kite on green. She asked me how old I was and when I answered she said she liked the sound of twenty, the way it rolled off her tongue was pleasing. My partner was thirty something. This girl had come to visit us, she was a few years younger than me and gay as a rainbow painted on a unicorn, and if I’d have known better, I would have kissed her. These are the things we think about as the years get plated in karats beyond 24k, and we have to wear shades to keep the rays from revealing the wrinkle of age. We stop apologizing. Hormones and a taut physique are soon wasted on promises we never keep. Looking back I never kept my virtue in tact, as a matter of fact I lost it to people far from those I desired out of fear of not measuring up. It seems I was fated to fail at pleasing myself, the queen of self-sabotage, true masochist, here she sits nearing her fourth decade and her thoughts get more obscene, she begins to ponder what it all means. I am no more or less pure or tainted by the choices I make with my body in spite of my heart. I’ve had it wrong all along. Now my body fails to live up to what my mind can only imagine, fearless feast of fantasy, and here my heart comes trailing behind like a heavy little tugboat, cargo of care. I want to let it sink, tear off the ropes that bind, splash down deep and let the waves take me anywhere, but a still wise voice says, you know better, you know from experience, never give up your soul like a fair trade deal, make it real, stop and feel, before all feeling fades into a silver coin of memory discarded like a fleeting wish. Next time you will kiss. You will kiss her in every currency  known on earth through every century in which humankind ever created money or some form of trade for energy, trade for service, you will exist without sun, sans lune, χωρίς φεγγάρι, χωρίς αστέρια, without anything to enlighten your dark dreams.

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Filed under Poem, poetry, Sapphic, Sex, Sexuality, travel, writing

Shadow of a Bird

Bird from the blue, the lapis lazuli outside my window, flying in.
I catch the shadow of her wing
on the wind.
Prettier than a peacock, with a thousand eyes seeing through the dark and the light in me.
Bird who cries, how I hear her sad song, wishing I could fly to her, be a bird also, but two wounded birds make the most dark companions, so alas I wait in the light as she passes by in the shadows. I follow with my fingers the bark of trees, stare up at buildings too high to reach, crossing the same streets she passed through momentarily. Hatchling heart, mere sparrow I am, the wash of rain over pavement, the outline of a shell, where she once stood broken. Waiting by windows, deep through the night, for glimpses of her as she flies by. Tracing the map of constellations and migrations, willing the stars to align, for her to land in my hand, to reach my palm with her fingers of song. The world opens like a rusted cage, love fails even the bravest of us. Bird from the red, the crimson ache of a window pane beneath a paralyzed sunset, the ruby roar of these arms that soar in the empty silence of your absence. My soul is purple, yellow, jaundiced out and black on the surface, like a bruise. I push down on it, agitate the center where my words in stasis stain the flesh of our friendship.

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Filed under Bird, Dedication, Poem, poetry, travel, writing